MUSIC: Dance of the Knights
(Prokofiev)
Montage of shots of candidates
striding purposely through the Winter Gardens and Peace Gardens, down a
derelict looking Moor precinct (avoiding the fast food cartons and Greggs bags),
past the Copthorne Hotel and into the Cherry Street car park. The camera pans
across the façade of the South Stand, Bramall Lane.
Voice over: Previously on The Manager……..
[Montage of arguments, petty
squabbling, cringe worthy interview snippets and a large pile of unsold
Sheffield United home shirts - size XXXL.]
[Camera pans up from ticket office to
darkened windows of Bramall Lane boardroom]
Voice over: Eight weeks in and there remain seven
candidates still competing to be the next Sheffield United manager. In a break
with tradition, as some have left the process new candidates have come into the
fray. Lord Sugar is far from impressed…………
[Alan Sugar picks up phone on the desk
in front of him, it is clearly not plugged into the wall]
Alan Sugar: Can you send the candidates through
please?
[Six men walk through the door and sit
down at the table opposite Alan, who is flanked by his aides Karen and Nick. A
TV screen sits adjacent to them. It fizzes into life.]
Alan: Well is this the best we can do?
Really? From Week 1 of this process you have all struggled to impress. This job
is all about profit……or at least breaking even. I want you to develop your own
products and then sell them! I want you to look for products elsewhere with
untapped potential, buy them and then sell them on at a profit. It can be six
months later, two years later, but make money.
At the very
start I gave you a simple task to test your ability to turn a profit. Sell off
the end of season stock of kit and leisurewear in the club superstore. Easy.
Yet we arrived back in the boardroom to find you have masses of unsold stock
and huge losses.
Karl (a candidate): But it was a load of crap Shurralan.
Alan: it’s Lord Sugar!
Karl: Shorry! Look, none of the kids are
wearing Macron gear, dey've never 'eard of it, who is going to buy
shub-shtandard, poorly-branded crap? It wouldn't even sell on Croxteth market.
Alan: Well if you think that was hard Karl,
just wait for the real job at the end of this process when you have to try and
find a buyer for Marcus Williams…..........hmmmph.
[Camera cuts away to Nick arching an
eyebrow as he tilts his head]
Alan: What a bloody shower! [Looks down at desk and shakes head]. And
then I send you to Hungary, Australia and China to buy potential profit making
assets. I give it you on a plate and what do you come back with? Zip! If I had
wanted that I would have used any of the previous winning candidates in recent
years, they had no idea how to identify you Austra-Hungo-Chinese talent either.
Useless!
[Alan looks up and jabs his right
index finger at a candidate]
Karl, you
impressed me at first; the scouse gift of the gab, telling me how you would
love to work for United, telling me it is a great club. You actually did okay
on the Superstore challenge, a nice line in shpiel and good sales patter. Your
experience of the franchising model I like, but I don't think you are in this
for the right reasons. As you know I can't stand bullshitters Karl.
Karl: What do you mean Shurralan?
Alan: It’s Lord Sugar! Are you deaf or
sumfink?
Karl: Shorry!
Alan: I think you are like the Bramall Lane
pies. The appearance looks good, but nothing of substance inside and you leave
a bad taste in the mouth. I think you are just using your appearance here to influence
your pay in your current job. Make out you’re in demand...and for that
reason...
[Karl spins in his chair and pelts for
the door]
Karl: You're not ruling me out, not having
that on my scheevee, I'm ruling myself out, sheeya Shurralan.
Alan: (Angry) What the bladdy
hell.......Well safe to say my concerns about Karl have been realised. Saved me
a job.
[The other candidates sit open
mouthed]
Walter (a candidate):
I always thought he
was a bit of a chancer. I’ll never know how he got here in the first place, he
has got no experience, unlike us.
Nick: A lucky escape I’d venture.
Alan: Very true Nick and Walter...I’ll be
the judge of that. Where were we? Ah Robert......
[The camera cuts to a bemused looking,
bald headed candidate]
Alan: I like you Robert - you have
demonstrated good team leadership on operational tasks, you organise a team
well, but can you take the high level strategic view? You seem a bit reliant on
Walter for that .....and what about Walter?
Wally by
name; Wally by nature. You’re a bit of a joker aren’t you? I’m telling you,
your aggressive nature cuts no rough with me son. I grew up in the East End
I've got harder Aunties than you. I don't have threatening sorts like you in my
plans.
Walter: But me and Robert make a great team!
Alan: The only great team I want is on the
pitch, then they will be in demand and we can sell them. Anyway….are you fick
or sumfink? Did it say "The Managers" on the application form?
Walter & Robert: (In
unison) No, but...
Alan: No buts...
Karen: They have good ideas and two brains
might be better than one.
Alan: As long as they realise it is not
paying double the salary! [self-effacing chuckle] Now Michael - I have been watching you. I've had my people watch
you closely in the tasks and they like what they have seen. I am not so sure.
You are quick to switch sides when the heat is on in the boardroom and I have
my doubts about your long term commitment. Are you committed?
Michael (a candidate): Yes I am. I am in this for the long
haul.
[Karen gives quizzical pout to camera]
Alan: (Incredulous chuckle) Really?! I hope
your record is better in the long term. I hear good things but your record is
stamped "Loser". 2 wins in 12 attempts on the Seaside task. You gave
up! Quitter!
Michael: I only lost 2 though!
[Alan looks to the ceiling and rolls
eyes]
Alan: (sarcastically) Oh well done, do you
want a bloody medal?! Well, this tale of woe got worse - are you going to try
and justify that? You led the Mill Town
task....I gave you all those expensive assets to sweat and you give me four
successes....four out of 15 opportunities......blow me!
I tell you
what Michael. My concern with you is that if I take you on, I must remember not
to lose the receipt.
[Michael’s head drops into his hand,
his fingers draw down his face stretching his skin. He looks crestfallen]
Alan: Young Christopher. I like you
Christopher. If I asked you to build a wall for me, you would. If I asked you
to dig a bloody great hole for me you would. But passion and hard work will
only get you so far here, sunshine. We saw that with your performances. Early
doors - maximum impact, since then.....I am sorry Christopher, but regrettably
you are out of your depth and for that reason you're not hired.
Christopher (a candidate): [Doffs
his flat cap] Thank you for the opportunity Lord Sugar.
[Christopher shakes hands with the
other candidates, wishes them well and leaves the boardroom]
Alan: Now then young Stu. When you were put
North of the Border with a load of tut to work with you made a great return.
Stu (a candidate): Thanks Lord Sugar.
Alan: Your CV is very impressive on paper,
but then again so are fish and chips. But it is with great regret that I've
been made aware of your behaviour when celebrating your task success in Week 5.
Stu: Eh? Tha’ what?
Alan: Drinking shandy from the can, falling
off a car in full view of the public. That's not behaviour becoming of an
employee of the club…….the role is a position of respect, how can the team
respect a man who can't handle his success in a dignified manner? I am sorry Stu, though you clearly have the
talent I cannot risk my £750,000 budget in your reckless hands.
Stu: But that wasn’t recently, it was ages ago. I’ve been set
up! It was you Wally wasn’t it!
[Stu becomes increasingly irate and
fires of volleys of abuse as he leaves the boardroom]
Peter (a candidate): What about me Sir Alan? I can deliver
for you. I will give 110% every week and make you money.
Alan: Who the hell are you?
Peter: Peter Gra.....
Alan: [Realisation breaks across his face] Ah
Peter. What the hell are you doing back here? Did you sneak in the back door or
sumfink? We got rid of you in Week 2 when you and Scottish Alex ballsed up that
Villa renovation task…..Get out!
[The camera turns to a perma-tanned
middle aged candidate, slouched in his chair. As the camera pans back you see
he is on the TV screen.]
Graham. Well you
came with a big mouth and a big reputation. But all I am hearing from my
interview panel is that you interview really badly. Ait is all about you, not
what you can do for the team. I think that back in the real world you are just
nuffink more than a big fish in a small pond.
Graham (a candidate): Ah piss off!
Alan: Mind your language!
Graham: What do you lot know? I am recognised
for my progressive thinking back home.
Alan: With respect – progressive thinking
in Australia is like being in the Dark Ages here. I can deal with egos who can
deliver, you won’t be able to meet our standards, so Graham...you aren’t hired.
Graham: Clueless; all of you. You don’t
deserve me. I am better than this.
Alan: Graham - I don’t want to see your face
anymore.
[The Skype connection is closed and
the screen goes black]
Alan: Well….I don't really know what to
say. I am going to have to discuss it further with my colleagues here. It is a
tough decision and not for the right reasons. When I get back to you, ONE of
you will be hired.
[Camera cuts to a long shot of Karl
pulling his Louis Vuitton luggage across the car park and getting into a cab on
Cherry Street]
Karl (inside the cab): I know I could have made a good job
of this, but that whole experience was weird; weirder than Pete Winkelman's face. Anyway I will be a
shuccshesh, I will prove them wrong.
[Karl gives a cheesy grin and winks
into the camera]
[Camera shows Christopher, stood at a
bus stop in the rain waiting for a number 83 bus to Shirecliffe]
Christopher: I'll prove them wrong. I will keep
developing new products that will sell at a profit.
[Another interior taxi shot. Stu talks
to camera]
Stu: I am devastated, but knockbacks make
you stronger. I’ll be a European success story in 12 months. Just you see.
[Camera cuts to Bondi Beach and Graham
sat on a beach chair with a tinny]
Graham: Bondi Beach or Skegness beach - it was
a tough call. I am better off here - their mindset and strategies are
prehistoric over there. What a bunch of galahs. Here I am at the top of my
league each season, winning stuff. A-League tops some paint pot trophy every
time.
Voiceover: Next week! Three candidates, one prize - that no-one seems to want. Will more candidates throw their hats in
the ring as the search for the new
Sheffield United manager continues................
CUE CREDITS