Tuesday, 28 June 2011

My Dislikable XI - Number 8 (Lee Doane)

As I mentioned last time, it has been great receiving submissions from football fans as well as seasoned bloggers. Today's submission is from lifelong Blade (you can tell by his twitter name) Lee Doane. You can follow him on twitter as @8LAD35 . When I asked Lee what coloured shirts his XI should be displayed in, I assumed it would be blue and white stripes - but I was wrong! "Let's go for all red, the colour of the glory hunter since the 70s." So here is Lee's Dislikable XI.....

Anything can trigger a lingering dislike of a footballer. It doesn’t have to be because they are a dirty player because let’s face it a dirty player in your own team will usually become a folk hero. I have wished ill on players for many a year for reasons varying from the sublime to the ridiculous.
Goalkeeper David Seaman
I spent a long time thinking of a keeper that I actually disliked. In the end I opted for David Seaman. He was, undoubtedly a top-drawer keeper but prone to dropping howlers when it mattered in the big games. Remember Nayim’s lob from the halfway line, in the Cup-winners’ Cup final in 1994, which had Seaman flailing desperately to get back to his goal, to no avail. The sight of him sat on his arse in the back of the net, chewing his cud is still vivid in my mind today.

Then there was the World Cup in 2002, when Ronaldinho caught him fast asleep. And let’s not forget that pony tail! No, what really caused my dislike was his unbelievable save in the 2003 FA Cup semi-final, denying Paul Peschisolido’s late flicked header from point-blank range. I was on my knees in front of the TV for what seemed like 10 minutes wondering how the hell he managed to adjust his body and produce his Jedi save. The one time we needed him to throw one in and he pulled of a worldy – the git.
Right Back Keith Newton
I was born in 1970, when Keith appeared for England in the World Cup, so he is a bit before my time. I collected Topps Footballer bubble-gum cards in the 1970s and one of the cards I had was Keith Newton of Burnley. I don’t know if it was a bad photograph or the result of a bad pre-photo shoot meal but he had a bit of a grimace – a snarl even. His image disturbed my 5 year old mind so much that I couldn’t bear to look at the card and eventually tore it up.
Left Back Ashley Cole
This is a no-brainer really. After reading that Ashley Cole was physically sick when hearing Arsenal were only offering him £40K a week in a new deal, I was also physically sick. Numerous stories about his personal life make him seem like such a nice chap, don’t you think?
Centre Back Phil Thompson
I am in agreement with Unitedite on this one. I remember Phil winding down his career at Bramall Lane with the other Dad’s Army signings at the time – Peter Withe & Ken McNaught. We also had Dennis Mortimer at the time on loan for a while, so we had 4 European Cup winners at one time. We didn’t play much like European Champions with this influence though.

My abiding memory of Phil Thompson in a Blades shirt was an away game at Notts County. It was late on and the score was 0-0. Thompson trotted back to his penalty area and beckoned the keeper to roll the ball out to him. He received the ball, looked up and tapped it back to the keeper (pre back-pass rule kids.) We’d paid good money to watch a seasoned pro show us such class that wins trophies year after year. He also had a hideous perm in the 70s, like most of his team-mates. Today, I revel in Liverpool FC floundering, as I know how much it hurts “Shnozz.”
Centre  Back Steve Bruce
By the time Steve Bruce became manager of Sheff United, I’d warmed to him a little bit. Nothing he did on the pitch bothered me much. It was probably a picture of him in Match magazine, with Dave Watson, celebrating Norwich City’s League Cup win and the sight of his already gruesome face contorted in ecstasy. Some players you look at and think – “No don’t like yer.”
Right Wing Mark Ward
The ex- West Ham, Everton and Manchester City player was one of those players who always seemed to score against the Blades and to make matters worse, slagged off United’s style of play in the press. When I read in 2005 that he had been banged up for possession of Cocaine with intent to supply I was mortified – honest!
Centre Midfield Carlton Palmer
This XI had to have at least one player from the dark side – Sheffield W*******y and Carlton Palmer fits the bill as much as anyone. Carlton started off his Owls career well with a red card at Bramall Lane in a friendly. He always seemed to have a high opinion of himself, yet was a regular in probably the worst era of the England team, along with a few of his Wendy team-mates – "Flapper" Woods, Sinton, Hirst. Carlton’s England performances even caused Graham Taylor to go berserk in the “Impossible Job” documentary, “Carlton! Carlton! Fucking Hell!” Carlton sealed his place in anti-folklore with a move to Leeds United.
Centre Midfield Nigel Quashie
I had no beef with Nigel until a home game against Portsmouth in 2001/2. United ended up winning 4-3 with a last minute penalty. It was a decent game, despite a strong wind, and I remember a few tetchy incidents. Keith Curle wound up Peter Crouch to almost boiling point and Shaun Derry was sent off in injury-time. As he walked off, he hurled a divot in the direction of the Kop – from the centre spot. I also remember Robert Prosinecki on the left wing who gave our young right-back Ben Doane a football lesson.

So what about Quashie? Well, before the game turned ugly, he headed Portsmouth in front at the kop end and then ran around the pitch giving the shushing gesture to the home fans. WE hadn’t been particularly noisy or hostile towards Portsmouth up to this point, so I couldn’t understand his actions. At the end of the game, 3 points in the bag I was on the Kop screaming “Quashie! Hey Quashie! You’re not shushing now are you, you f*cker eh?” He will, of course, have not heard a word of this but I felt a hell of a lot better for it.
Left Wing Scott Sellars
I was a ball-boy for a Sheffield United v Leeds game in the 80s. Leeds had a corner and as the ball was being rolled over to Scott Sellars to take it, I stuck out a boot and deflected it away from him. A volley of abuse followed. Happily, Sheff United won 2-1 with two Mel Eves crackers and Leeds smashed up the Bramall Lane end.

A few years later, I worked with an old school friend of Scott Sellars, who told me that, if other kids were a bit rough with him in school sports, his mother would have a go at them, “Do you have to bowl body-line at him?” Made my day hearing that.
Striker John Fashanu
I have always found his, “trust me, I am a well-spoken Barnardo’s boy”, butter wouldn’t melt persona a bit hard to swallow. In 1983, in a FA Cup replay, playing for Lincoln, Fash had a 90 minute set-to with United’s Mick Henderson. Sadly he also received some of the worst racial abuse I’ve ever heard. In 1991 away at Wimbledon, Fash blatantly punched away a Vinnie Jones long throw and Sheff United won a penalty. 2 minutes later he did exactly the same. What was that all about?
Striker Lee Hughes
The “Balti Kid” endeared himself to all Blades with a performance at The Hawthorns, when he ran 50 yards to beg the ref to send off Rob Ullathorne. To rub salt in he scored the winner later. He will unfortunately be best remembered for serving three years of a six year sentence for killing a father-of-four in a car crash, although it would only be right for me to keep my dislike of him down to football reasons alone. I would hate it if we signed him.
Manager Ferguson
Sorry, you won’t get any matey, Sir Alex, Alec, Fergie nonsense from me, He’ll always be Ferguson. It’s the stopwatch, the constant chewing of cud, the spitting, the bellyaching at refs, the boycott of the BBC, his Rab C Nesbitt drawl, his mardiness when Preston sacked his son, his team playing in flip flops and trunks against West Ham in 2007, his crappy goal celebrations.

I don’t care how many trophies he wins, in my eyes he will never be able to match the charisma and likability of Clough and Shankly – the 2 managers I place on the highest pedestal.



Previous Dislikable XIs:

No. 3 - 9-Men
No. 4 - William Abbs
No. 5 - Goaltastic
No. 6 - Football Charlie
No. 7 - Phil Lupton

Up next:

No. 9 Gib Football Show

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