My Dislikable XI - Number 13 (Dave Stevens)

The unlucky 13th in the Dislikable XI series is supplied by a Royal in exile in the States - I am not referring to Sarah Ferguson. Dave Stevens is Reading born and bred, but being based in Las Vegas doesn't limit his ire towards this team of irritants. They are displayed in the red shirts of Swindon Town, although in choosing the colours Dave surprised himself, realising he hadn't actually picked any Town players.

You can follow Dave on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/shakefon

Goalkeeper Carlo Nash

I might as well start as I mean to go on, so I'll admit from the outset that a lot of my choices are based on actions against Reading players. Carlo gets the nod ahead of several other undesirable shot stoppers thanks to an incident in February of 2006, when Reading - high flying and a mere month away from sealing promotion to the Premier League for the first time ever - met Preston at home.  

With barely 5 minutes remaining in the first half and the scores tied at 1-1, Reading striker Dave Kitson chased down a long ball, only to be met (and clattered to the ground) by the on-rushing Carlo Nash, who - as memory serves - entered the 50/50 in a manner Jackie Chan would be proud of. Kitson went down and had to be replaced while Nash escaped without even being booked. Nasty. I like to call him Carlo "Rash", or at least I did when he would actually be able to get a game (zing).

Right Back Danny Mills

I've never been a fan of that rat-like bully with short-guy syndrome Gary Neville, so you'd think that the man who replaced him at a major tournament after injury would be on my good list. Well, you'd be right- unless, of course, that replacement was a weasel-like bully with short-guy syndrome, incapable of going an entire match without making at least one of the following: awful pass, reckless challenge, disciplinary faux pas or positioning error. Danny Mills: get out of my sight.

Left Back Julian Dicks

While I'm a fan of the physicality of English football, of players getting stuck in and not being afraid of being solid in the tackle, I don't rate players who build a career around unflinching hard challenges or those who revel in "hard man" nicknames.

Julian "The Terminator" Dicks basically fails my own personal "fit and proper persons" test on those factors alone but I'll admit that his influence on the (mercifully brief in popularity) "game" of Fouling Football that some of the more agricultural players at our primary school would whip out during a perfectly good kickaround certainly sealed his fate in being chosen at Left Back here.

Centre Back Chris Riggott

Nasty piece of work, Chris Riggott. A centre back with questionable ability, he travelled to Reading's Madejski stadium with Middlesbrough on the first day of the 2006/07 season. A sunny day, this was Reading's first ever game in the top flight. A game that hadn't started too well for the Royals, as they found themselves 2 down with barely 20-odd minutes gone. Riggott then proceeded to hack away at anyone and everyone who had the misfortune to be in spitting distance of the Boro goal - first his own team mate, Arca who had the audacity to clear the ball to stop it rolling over the line, and then - earning his spot in this dislikeable XI team - a few yards from the centre spot, he went in high on Dave Kitson (who had earlier scored Reading's first top flight goal in history) and did extensive damage to his knee, such that Kitson barely played for the rest of that inaugural Premier League season. Talentless Thug. 

On the plus side, in looking him up just now while writing this, I've seen he's unattached and doesn't have anyone interested in him. Karma's a bitch, Chris.

(Riggott subsequently re-signed for Derby County)

Centre Back John Terry

If the Oxford English Dictionary genuinely accepted photographs as definitions, and defined phrases as well as words, the entry for "Flatters to Deceive" would be a big ol' picture of John Terry.

I hate to break this to those England fans (probably Chelsea sympathizers) who haven't noticed this yet, but Terry's nowhere near as good as he's touted to be. Yeah, he'll throw himself in harms way to block a shot - bravo - but how much of England's "hoof it upfield" woes have come from JT? Plenty, as he seems to treat the ball like it's on fire - get it out as quickly as possible, disrupt, destroy! Give me a ball-playing centre back any day of the week over Mr. Route One. Oh, and his off-field dalliances

certainly don't help his cause.

Right Midfield Danny Murphy

2008. Reading's second season in the Premier League. That well known Syndrome has been in full effect, but on the last day of the season, there's still hope. As long as we win and Fulham do not, we're staying up. We travel to Derby. We put 4 past them. There's not long left in the days games - a mere 14 minutes of regulation time. Could we have performed the great escape? Would we live to fight anoth... oh god, Danny Murphy's scored a header. He never scores headers.

And thus, Fulham preserve their top flight status and we return to the familiar surrounds of the second tier. You know what, Danny Murphy? Fulham have had plenty of time to enjoy the top flight.  Wouldn't have done them any harm to drop down for a year or two. Reading were going to extend their stadium capacity if they stayed up. Thanks for killing off all those jobs, Danny Murphy. Oh, and the hopes and

dreams of many a Royals fan.

Left Midfield Stewart Downing
His inclusion here is not entirely his own doing, I must admit. But Stewart Downing deserves his place on the left flank here for the simple fact that there is currently a bidding war going on for him in excess of £15m. Why does that make him dislikeable?

Easy! Cause he's really nothing special. He's a winger and he's got less than 10 assists in the past 2 years. He plays on the left, is English, and yet has done nothing to solve the English Left Side dilemma. He drifts in and out of games and is lightweight to a fault. £15m! Put a decimal point in there and we'll talk, but that's ludicrous.

Central Midfield Michael Essien

This wasn't a difficult choice, the man seems to consider his job half done if he doesn't go flying in studs-up at least once per half. Seemingly not in possession of a footballing brain, Essien is a classic example of a brute who gets away with a lot of vicious, malicious challenges simple because he plays for one of the league's top clubs. Guaranteed if he was playing for the likes of Stoke, Wigan or Fulham, he'd spend the vast majority of the season watching from the stands as he served out yet another suspension.

Striker Dean Windass

I'm not sure I even need to explain this as I'm pretty sure most of you read the name and thought "yep..." but for completeness, I'll tell you why I'm including him.

I don't know how well known Ivar Ingimarsson is outside of the Championship, but to those of us who follow Reading, he was a great servant and well known for his discipline. Prior to the 2003/04 season, he'd never been sent off - and in fact, to date, he's only been sent off twice. The first time in his English football career that he saw red was thanks to the aforementioned Windass who, while playing for Bradford decided that football wasn't enough of a game and going on the wind up would be better.

Not content with biting Ricky Newman in the build up to Bradford's opener, he then punched Ivar before headbutting him subtly. The icelander (perhaps understandably) pushed him away and received a sending off for his troubles, courtesy of a clueless Linesman who claimed he elbowed Windass. All smiles, the "model pro" Windass came off the pitch at the end of the game saying "I've conned him, I've conned the ref!" pleased as punch, before having to be escorted back to the dressing room by his teammates as the Reading players moved to confront him for his antics... I certainly don't miss the guy in the game.

 

Striker Tommy Smith

So, it's August 2009. Us Royals fans are still reeling from a second half of the season capitulation (a feeling we should probably have been getting used to) that saw our mighty Reading team drop from 2nd place (and an immediate return to the top flight) to the playoffs and the inevitable loss to eventual winners Burnley. Oh, not to mention the subsequent sale of our top players (Kevin Doyle, I still miss you every day...) and the resignation of our most successful manager of all time, Steve Coppell.

Now I'm sure you can imagine, that's a lot to take in one go. So, to preparations for the new season. New manager, new plan. We're sat refreshing the transfers page on SkySports website, hoping for some good news and lo and behold, what's that? Tommy Smith has passed a medical and is set to sign??! The same Tommy Smith who scored against us a few times? A GOALSCORER?! Rejoice... until, of course, we discover that he's swanned off to Portsmouth and signed there instead. I feel like his subsequent lack of form is the gods showing their opinion of his decision.

Striker Kenny Miller

Where to begin with this spiteful little scrote. He first appeared on my radar as he scored for Wolves at the Madejski and proceeded to celebrate the goal in front of the home fans rather than the substantial away support that had travelled down from the midlands. You stay classy, Kenny Miller - way to disrespect both sets of fans in one fell swoop... He's further helped in to this team by my ancestral roots: my family on my mother's side are staunch Rangers supporters and I was reminded on many a family visit north of the border that you don't cross the old firm divide as a player - especially not twice.

Manager Alan Pardew

A great way to undo years of hard work at a club and the respect and admiration that comes with it is to down tools and walk out for a club in the same division. For extra points in the "lost credibility" stakes, go ahead and claim the move was too good to resist given how "massive" the club is. And so it was with Alan "Parjudas" Pardew, who - on the back of transforming Reading from a team doing little of anything in the 2nd division (as was) to play off contenders in the 1st division (the old names were better, weren't they?) - decided that he'd very much like to abandon all that and manage West Ham - a truly massive club...several positions below Reading.

I enjoyed every single defeat he suffered at that club, especially his first return to the Mad Stad and a brace from Dave Kitson and of course, the 2006 FA Cup Final where he oversaw his team losing a 2-0 lead, a 3-2 lead and then a penalty shootout. Oh how I never tire of seeing his smug face fall.

Previous XIs

No. 1 - A United View

No. 2 - The Two Unfortunates (Lanterne Rouge)

No. 3 - 9-Men
No. 4 - William Abbs

No. 5 - Goaltastic
No. 6 - Football Charlie
No. 7 - Phil Lupton
No. 8 - Lee Doane
No. 9 - Leazes Terrace
No. 10 - Gib Football Show
No. 11 - The Exiled Robin
No. 12 - Ashley Hurst

My Dislikable XI - Number 10 (The Gib Football Show)

It is an absolute pleasure to welcome Andrew Gibney to A United View. He is editor of the gib football show website and host of the NOPA award nominated podcast of the same name. With site features on a wide range of global football topics, the Celtic supporter (exiled in the White Rose county) has also started reporting on Yorkshire Football Weekends - well worth a read. You can follow Andrew on twitter at @gibfootballshow. Here is his XI, not as many ex-Rangers players as you might expect.



When I was asked to pick a disliked XI only two or three players sprung to mind. Growing up I was never a massive follower of the Scottish national side so there’s no one to play our indifference on, and to be fair we know we’re rubbish so we don’t have “ze Germans” or “that wee fat Argentine t*at” to blame on our failure.

It is too easy to pick a team of Rangers players that as a kid I watched beat Celtic for a good 8/9 years until Henrik Larsson come along. So I have tried to pick an XI that I dislike on a purely spiteful and personal level or a random outside the box reason.

Goalkeeper David Seaman (England)

No it’s not the pony-tail, or the ice-dancing or even the moustache. I’m not a secret Spurs fan or an Arsenal fan that can’t forgive him for Nayim’s wonderstrike. England were 4-0 up on Holland during Euro ’96 a fantastic performance from the English. As it stood Scotland would progress through to the Quarter-Finals….the first time they would ever reach the 2^nd stage of a tournament.

And then Patrick Kluivert scored….thanks David. Where was your wonder-save against Holland eh!

Right Back Maicon (Inter Milan)

One of the best right backs in the World you say, well where were you over 2 games against Tottenham, you had to go and play rubbish and make that little twerp Gareth Bale look like a world beater. Maicon’s awful performance has lead to miles and miles of column inches dedicated to the “Welsh wizard” fantastic ability when he is no more than a decent footballer. Thanks for nothing Maicon.

Centre Back Rafael Scheidt (Celtic)

People outside of the SPL bubble might not be aware of Rafael Scheidt’s greatness. Signed by Martin O’Neil back in 1999 and given the seal of approval by Brazilian football expert Tim Vickery, Celtic fans were excited by the prospect of a classy Brazilian centre-back, the fact his surname was pronounced “SHITE” could be overlooked if decent. “We’ll just call him Rafael”. Now he goes down in Celtic folklore, probably as one of the worst players outside of Du Wei to ever pull on the Celtic jersey. Signed on the back of a DVD it is £4.8m that Celtic will never get back. Scheidt by name, Scheidt by nature.

Centre Back Scott Wilson (Rangers)

A name that always fills me with disgust; basically he wasn’t a very good player in an average Rangers side. To compensate for his lack of abilities he spent most of his time indulging in badly timed reckless challenges resulting in either the victim limping off the field or Wilson being shown a red card. After 200 appearances for Dunfermline he has recently moved to Australia with North Queensland Fury…apt name I think.

Left Back Stuart Pearce (England)

Psycho Pearce, he had all the traits an England defender needs…the heart the passion, the determination. Wasn’t it great when he scored that penalty against Spain at Euro ’96….No!

I just can’t stand him, his face, his voice…I always thought he was an average player that again tried hard so he must be good. I personally wish he’d skied the penalty against Spain into the Wembley night and maybe he would have disappeared forever.

Central Midfield Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)

Let’s get this one out of the way. I am ready for the barrage of abuse from Liverpool fans. I CAN’T STAND Steven Gerrard. I have never been overly impressed with his footballing abilities. To me he is like a dog in the park, kick the ball he will chase after it with energy and drive. Every so often he’ll have a swing with his trusty right foot and the ball will end up in the net. Everyone will rejoice in the wonderful goal and excuse all his liabilities once again.

At the 2010 World Cup I would hope everyone got a glimpse of how tactical naïve Gerrard is, asked to play on the left of a midfield four he was constantly in the centre or even on the right. His positional sense harmed his team. Then the issue of diving, there is a great YouTube video of Gerrard quotes about his disgust for players that dive, linked with videos of him diving. Need I say more?

Central Midfield Barry Ferguson (Rangers)

Probably an obvious choice for anyone who has support Celtic over the last ten years. No doubting the players ability to play football, it’s more about his mannerisms and his personality. Pinpointed by the incident with him and Allan McGregor trying to “secretly” give the finger. Another reason to dislike him was his move to Blackburn Rovers. Making the move to further your career is a great thing, giving up after a few months because you can’t cut it says a lot about a person. Hats off to him for going to Birmingham and doing well. Still an unsavoury figure though.

Central Midfield Nick Montgomery (Sheffield United)

Now nothing personal against Nick, I’m sure he is a lovely person but epitomises everything I hate about British football. The first time I saw him play was against Coventry City at the old Highfield Road, and he was average at best. I had been told about his wonderful work-rate. He always gives his all etc etc. Then I asked what his actual attributes were…silence. So basically he runs about and gets “Stuck In!” and I’m meant to appreciate this. Energy and giving your all should be extras on the side of picking a pass, breaking up play with positional sense and well timed tackles.

Somehow he managed to come 2^nd in Sheffield United’s player of the year vote in 2006, since then he has never shown me more than someone who tries. I expect a little more for players these days. Your greatest trait should not be your ability to charge around the pitch. Look at players like Lothar Matthaeus and Carlos Valderamma, played until they were about 40 because even when their legs were gone they could still pick a beautiful 40 yard pass and change a game. No offence to Monty but I really hope for whatever team your with, you don’t play till you’re 40.

Forward Alan Shearer (Newcastle United)

Great footballer, full blown twat. Basic career summary – Plays some great football, scores lots of goals, whacks a few people in the face with his elbow, gets away with reputation in check. Becomes a pundit, slags off loads of managers. Becomes the manager at his beloved Newcastle United, sees them relegated, and leaves the club. Back on his comfy sofa he’s back slagging managers off. Now the dilemma is do we want him at another club to save us from listening to him on Match of the Day, or do we save another club the nightmare of Shearer being in charge but putting up with him on a Saturday night.

Forward Stan Collymore (Real Oviedo)

TALKSport………….

Forward Kenny Miller (Hibs, Rangers, Wolves, Celtic, Derby, Rangers, Bursaspor…..)

Let’s forgive him the constant moving of clubs, no one else has gone Rangers, Celtic, Rangers as far as I’m aware, so a reason to hate him right there. Don’t confuse the poor folk of Glasgow by playing for both the Old Firm clubs and even going back again. They won’t know what to do. The reason I detest him is not for that. Actually dislike him more for his time at Celtic than at Rangers but this winter I lost all respect for him. Certain he was leaving Rangers for the second time he had a few offers on the table. Birmingham City with Alex McLeish with half decent wages. Fiorentina – Chance to play at a new club and league, for a decent size wage. Or to Turkey and Bursaspor a team that Rangers had beat twice in the Champions League but for a massive bag of cash…..and now he wants to move away from Turkey. I think he should be left there to rot and top up his wonderful tan.

Manager John Barnes (Celtic)

There is only one man that could lead this merry band into battle and make sure they fail at every hurdle. Possibly the worst football manager in the history of football. Tried to set Celtic up in a 4-2-2-2 formation because it worked for Brazil. I may be remembering this wrong but Didier Agathe and Vidar Riseth were not Roberto Carlos or Cafu. Trying to play a midfield duo of Eyal Berkovic and Regi Blinker it was surely bound to fail. And fail it did, beaten by Inverness in the Scottish Cup and Barnes was out on his arse. Whatever Jamaica or Tranmere saw in this man to put him in charge of a football team is beyond me….please let it never happen again.

The kit has to be this.

I couldn't quite replicate that abomination, but at least the colour combination is correct.



Previous Dislikable XIs:

No. 1 - A United View

No. 2 - The Two Unfortunates (Lanterne Rouge)

No. 3 - 9-Men
No. 4 - William Abbs

No. 5 - Goaltastic
No. 6 - Football Charlie
No. 7 - Phil Lupton
No. 8 - Lee Doane

Up next:

No. 11 The Exiled Robin