Charting the 2011/12 season in Football - Number 1

Following the successful Charting the Week in Football series last season, graphs and charts return to A United View as an occasional series throughout the season.

First up for the sarcasm laden treatment are two North London teams (and one wheeler dealer manager in particular), Gary Megson, Alan Shearer and Sky's technology.

 

My Dislikable XI - Number 10 (The Gib Football Show)

It is an absolute pleasure to welcome Andrew Gibney to A United View. He is editor of the gib football show website and host of the NOPA award nominated podcast of the same name. With site features on a wide range of global football topics, the Celtic supporter (exiled in the White Rose county) has also started reporting on Yorkshire Football Weekends - well worth a read. You can follow Andrew on twitter at @gibfootballshow. Here is his XI, not as many ex-Rangers players as you might expect.



When I was asked to pick a disliked XI only two or three players sprung to mind. Growing up I was never a massive follower of the Scottish national side so there’s no one to play our indifference on, and to be fair we know we’re rubbish so we don’t have “ze Germans” or “that wee fat Argentine t*at” to blame on our failure.

It is too easy to pick a team of Rangers players that as a kid I watched beat Celtic for a good 8/9 years until Henrik Larsson come along. So I have tried to pick an XI that I dislike on a purely spiteful and personal level or a random outside the box reason.

Goalkeeper David Seaman (England)

No it’s not the pony-tail, or the ice-dancing or even the moustache. I’m not a secret Spurs fan or an Arsenal fan that can’t forgive him for Nayim’s wonderstrike. England were 4-0 up on Holland during Euro ’96 a fantastic performance from the English. As it stood Scotland would progress through to the Quarter-Finals….the first time they would ever reach the 2^nd stage of a tournament.

And then Patrick Kluivert scored….thanks David. Where was your wonder-save against Holland eh!

Right Back Maicon (Inter Milan)

One of the best right backs in the World you say, well where were you over 2 games against Tottenham, you had to go and play rubbish and make that little twerp Gareth Bale look like a world beater. Maicon’s awful performance has lead to miles and miles of column inches dedicated to the “Welsh wizard” fantastic ability when he is no more than a decent footballer. Thanks for nothing Maicon.

Centre Back Rafael Scheidt (Celtic)

People outside of the SPL bubble might not be aware of Rafael Scheidt’s greatness. Signed by Martin O’Neil back in 1999 and given the seal of approval by Brazilian football expert Tim Vickery, Celtic fans were excited by the prospect of a classy Brazilian centre-back, the fact his surname was pronounced “SHITE” could be overlooked if decent. “We’ll just call him Rafael”. Now he goes down in Celtic folklore, probably as one of the worst players outside of Du Wei to ever pull on the Celtic jersey. Signed on the back of a DVD it is £4.8m that Celtic will never get back. Scheidt by name, Scheidt by nature.

Centre Back Scott Wilson (Rangers)

A name that always fills me with disgust; basically he wasn’t a very good player in an average Rangers side. To compensate for his lack of abilities he spent most of his time indulging in badly timed reckless challenges resulting in either the victim limping off the field or Wilson being shown a red card. After 200 appearances for Dunfermline he has recently moved to Australia with North Queensland Fury…apt name I think.

Left Back Stuart Pearce (England)

Psycho Pearce, he had all the traits an England defender needs…the heart the passion, the determination. Wasn’t it great when he scored that penalty against Spain at Euro ’96….No!

I just can’t stand him, his face, his voice…I always thought he was an average player that again tried hard so he must be good. I personally wish he’d skied the penalty against Spain into the Wembley night and maybe he would have disappeared forever.

Central Midfield Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)

Let’s get this one out of the way. I am ready for the barrage of abuse from Liverpool fans. I CAN’T STAND Steven Gerrard. I have never been overly impressed with his footballing abilities. To me he is like a dog in the park, kick the ball he will chase after it with energy and drive. Every so often he’ll have a swing with his trusty right foot and the ball will end up in the net. Everyone will rejoice in the wonderful goal and excuse all his liabilities once again.

At the 2010 World Cup I would hope everyone got a glimpse of how tactical naïve Gerrard is, asked to play on the left of a midfield four he was constantly in the centre or even on the right. His positional sense harmed his team. Then the issue of diving, there is a great YouTube video of Gerrard quotes about his disgust for players that dive, linked with videos of him diving. Need I say more?

Central Midfield Barry Ferguson (Rangers)

Probably an obvious choice for anyone who has support Celtic over the last ten years. No doubting the players ability to play football, it’s more about his mannerisms and his personality. Pinpointed by the incident with him and Allan McGregor trying to “secretly” give the finger. Another reason to dislike him was his move to Blackburn Rovers. Making the move to further your career is a great thing, giving up after a few months because you can’t cut it says a lot about a person. Hats off to him for going to Birmingham and doing well. Still an unsavoury figure though.

Central Midfield Nick Montgomery (Sheffield United)

Now nothing personal against Nick, I’m sure he is a lovely person but epitomises everything I hate about British football. The first time I saw him play was against Coventry City at the old Highfield Road, and he was average at best. I had been told about his wonderful work-rate. He always gives his all etc etc. Then I asked what his actual attributes were…silence. So basically he runs about and gets “Stuck In!” and I’m meant to appreciate this. Energy and giving your all should be extras on the side of picking a pass, breaking up play with positional sense and well timed tackles.

Somehow he managed to come 2^nd in Sheffield United’s player of the year vote in 2006, since then he has never shown me more than someone who tries. I expect a little more for players these days. Your greatest trait should not be your ability to charge around the pitch. Look at players like Lothar Matthaeus and Carlos Valderamma, played until they were about 40 because even when their legs were gone they could still pick a beautiful 40 yard pass and change a game. No offence to Monty but I really hope for whatever team your with, you don’t play till you’re 40.

Forward Alan Shearer (Newcastle United)

Great footballer, full blown twat. Basic career summary – Plays some great football, scores lots of goals, whacks a few people in the face with his elbow, gets away with reputation in check. Becomes a pundit, slags off loads of managers. Becomes the manager at his beloved Newcastle United, sees them relegated, and leaves the club. Back on his comfy sofa he’s back slagging managers off. Now the dilemma is do we want him at another club to save us from listening to him on Match of the Day, or do we save another club the nightmare of Shearer being in charge but putting up with him on a Saturday night.

Forward Stan Collymore (Real Oviedo)

TALKSport………….

Forward Kenny Miller (Hibs, Rangers, Wolves, Celtic, Derby, Rangers, Bursaspor…..)

Let’s forgive him the constant moving of clubs, no one else has gone Rangers, Celtic, Rangers as far as I’m aware, so a reason to hate him right there. Don’t confuse the poor folk of Glasgow by playing for both the Old Firm clubs and even going back again. They won’t know what to do. The reason I detest him is not for that. Actually dislike him more for his time at Celtic than at Rangers but this winter I lost all respect for him. Certain he was leaving Rangers for the second time he had a few offers on the table. Birmingham City with Alex McLeish with half decent wages. Fiorentina – Chance to play at a new club and league, for a decent size wage. Or to Turkey and Bursaspor a team that Rangers had beat twice in the Champions League but for a massive bag of cash…..and now he wants to move away from Turkey. I think he should be left there to rot and top up his wonderful tan.

Manager John Barnes (Celtic)

There is only one man that could lead this merry band into battle and make sure they fail at every hurdle. Possibly the worst football manager in the history of football. Tried to set Celtic up in a 4-2-2-2 formation because it worked for Brazil. I may be remembering this wrong but Didier Agathe and Vidar Riseth were not Roberto Carlos or Cafu. Trying to play a midfield duo of Eyal Berkovic and Regi Blinker it was surely bound to fail. And fail it did, beaten by Inverness in the Scottish Cup and Barnes was out on his arse. Whatever Jamaica or Tranmere saw in this man to put him in charge of a football team is beyond me….please let it never happen again.

The kit has to be this.

I couldn't quite replicate that abomination, but at least the colour combination is correct.



Previous Dislikable XIs:

No. 1 - A United View

No. 2 - The Two Unfortunates (Lanterne Rouge)

No. 3 - 9-Men
No. 4 - William Abbs

No. 5 - Goaltastic
No. 6 - Football Charlie
No. 7 - Phil Lupton
No. 8 - Lee Doane

Up next:

No. 11 The Exiled Robin

My Dislikable XI - Number 2 (Lanterne Rouge - The Two Unfortunates)

After my opening post in the series last week, which you can read here, it is my pleasure to welcome Rob Langham (Lanterne Rouge) from the football league website The Two Unfortunates to offer up his Dislikable XI.

As the purveyor of an avowedly non-partisan website, I’m not really allowed to truly dislike players so I found the brief provided to me by A United View on Football a difficult one to fulfil. Nor would I resort to the easy option of including Joey Barton or Lee Bowyer in my list – they’ll be amply covered by others no doubt - and including Chris Morgan might upset my genial host. So, although some of the XI below make it on to my list for traditional reasons, there is a strong political bent to my selections, for which I make no apology.

Goalkeeper: Jens Lehmann

Having said all that, the curly topped custodian does make it in for sheer odiousness. A 2007 visit to the Emirates allowed me to witness the full force of the man’s personal acidity, stationed as I was behind his goal. Selfish, arrogant and unapologetic that being in the team was more important to him than the club winning trophies – no wonder Manuel Almunia is a bit rubbish after years of this guy glowering at him?

Right Back: Phil Neal

I disliked Neal as a player for his possession of average talents despite his presence in one of European football’s greatest ever sides and the mediocrity of his England displays during a barren spell for the national team in the late seventies. But the respect I had for him due to his emergence from the un-footballing environs of Irchester, Northamptonshire, was extinguished after The Observer Sport Monthly exposed his wish to make financial gain for talking about the Heysel Stadium tragedy.

Left Back: Paul Robinson

Like many on this list, Robinson is a man who we would all secretly like on our team and, most of the time, he emerges from his fearsome tackles with the ball. But he isn’t dubbed the poisonous squirrel by accident. For it’s not so much the combine harvester limbs that make the Bolton full back scary; more the psychopathic gaze that precedes the act of ball winning itself.

Centre Back: Emlyn Hughes

Ironically castigated by Neal in his autobiography for being mean with money, Hughes was quite annoying enough before this revelation. A Seventies icon who seemed to embody the gruesome light entertainment of that age, Crazy Horse reached his apogee on A Question of Sport¸ famously turning into mush at any contact with Princess Anne -and he even cropped up hosting his own quiz show Box Clever, as well as making an appearance in the infamous It’s A Royal Knockout.

Centre Back: John Terry

The first name on the team sheet as always.

Central Midfield: Siniša Mihaijlović

A sumptuous talent at home in midfield or in defence, capable of fulfilling the old fashioned sweeper role and possessor of a mighty lash from free kicks, a man from Vukovar was never going to emerge with average opinions but growing up near the Serbo-Croat border does not excuse his alleged branding of Patrick Vieira as a “nero di merda”, nor does his admittance that he is plagued by dreams of being attacked by snakes. Now blazing a trail through various Italian hot seats, Jonathan Wilson has argued that his portrayal as a demon is grossly simplistic – doubtful.

Central Midfield: Paul Ince

“The Guv’nor” moniker has of course been roundly parodied and never appears without the preface “self-styled” – but it’s not so much the label, more the humourlessness that accompanies its usage that invites ridicule. I waver on Ince and admire him for his trailblazing role as a Black player and manager and his excellence in Manchester United’s return to prominence, but his snarling style never provoked admiration and nor does his decision to accept the gaffer’s role at MK Dons – twice.

Winger: Paolo Di Canio

Another man unlikely to be too bothered by the rise of the extreme right in Europe, Di Canio has admitted to being a fascist, but not a racist – well, that’s all right then isn’t it? Just as some feel that the likes of Franco and Mussolini can be excused because of their non-involvement in the Final Solution, others feel that Di Canio is a loveable rogue. Nor should we ignore various managers’ assertions that he always happened to be suspended over Christmas and nor, as a Reading fan am I surprised that he’s now talking to Swindon Town about their vacant manager’s job!

Winger: Arjen Robben

Like many on this list, an outrageously gifted human being, but in a two year stint of watching weekly Premier League football in 2006 and 2008, and against stiff competition including Cristiano Ronaldo and El Hadji Diouf (as well as my club’s own Stephen Hunt and Leroy Lita), Robben was comfortably the most ready to plunge to turf when challenged. Tom Daley would be proud of him and that’s without even mentioning the furrowed brow and abuse levelled towards team mates who dare not pass to him – most clearly exhibited during the 2010 World Cup.

Striker: Alan Shearer

A rumoured dressing room bully who presided over Newcastle United’s mindset like a footballing version of Finchy from The Office, it would be informative to wonder how the Toon might have fared if all hadn’t been about HIM during his spell in black and white. During that period, Didi Hamann was proffered a copy of Mein Kampf and Alessandro Pistone provided with a sheep’s heart as Christmas presents. His tactical meltdown as a manager has been topped only by his abysmal punditry.

Forward: Duncan Ferguson

Ex-Scunthorpe United striker Ian Botham almost made it in for his continued Little Englander pronouncements, but it’s a man who was also on that Newcastle United yuletide gift list who nabs the final spot. Never more than an average player, Ferguson once boasted of never losing an aerial battle, despite ample televisual evidence to the contrary, and his decision to abandon his national team displayed a petulance and self-regard entirely at odds with his meagre contributions on the pitch. Rarely can someone who averaged a goal every 4 games been afforded the kind of hero’s welcome provided by Everton fans recently. Four convictions for assault complete the picture.

Manager: Jose Mourinho

An obvious choice maybe, but this personification of the Machiavellian mindset has attracted by opprobrium ever since his questioning of the Royal Berkshire Ambulance Service. He is a wonderful managerial talent and a worthy successor to the likes of Helenio Herrera, but some grace would not go amiss. His touchline posturing and inability to take adversity on the chin would be bad enough but his antecedents in Salazar's Portugal confirm his shady malevolence.