My Dislikable XI - Number 11 (The Exiled Robin)

For the second time in just over a month I welcome Paul Binning of the Bristol City site The Exiled Robin to the pages of A United View. Paul very kindly contributed to this article following Danny Wilson's arrival at Bramall Lane. Today, he offers an XI with an unsurprising sprinkling of Rovers and offers up a chairman suitable for any Dislikable XI. You can also follow Paul on twitter @cider1977




For any Bristol City fan of a certain age, any of the Bristol Rovers team from late ‘80s/early ‘90s could have made this XI – a team that not only seemed to beat us every time we met, but played an aggressive, nasty, direct style of football straight out of the Charlie Hughes School of Tactics, and then pipped us to the Division 3 title in the penultimate match of the 89/90 season with a 3-0 win.  I’ve managed to restrict myself to the two ‘Gasheads’ who epitomised that team most.

Goalkeeper Jens Lehmann 

Aside from the fact he was a German ‘keeper who saved the odd penalty – a characteristic certain to rile any English football fan, Lehmann was one of these players who never seems happy unless he’s whinging or moaning about something.  Beckoning the referee to caution opposition players, running 40 yards to get involved in a brawl, aiming vitriol at ball-boys for holding onto the ball too long are all reasons enough to include him in this XI, but for me it was his incessant time-wasting and lack of general sportsmanship that sealed his spot.

Right Back Nicky Hunt

Signed by Steve Coppell at the start of the 2010-11 season, Hunt was touted by many (including this writer) as potentially a more important signing than the glamourous, marquee-signing of England goalkeeper David James.  Here was a solid defender with decent Premier League experience who could establish himself at right-back and lead the rest of the defence.  How wrong we were! 

From day one he looked slow, lacking in anticipation and generally dis-interested.  Two particular moments in an early-season evening game at Ashton Gate stand out, where the bottling out of a header and a 50/50 challenge near the touchline in front of the normally placid Williams Stand was the final straw.  So bad, and so unpopular that questions were asked of manager and chairman at the AGM as to how quickly we could get rid of him – and they answered them!

Centre Back Ian Alexander 

The first of the Gas (Rovers) team from the 1980’s, the best way I can describe Ian Alexander is to compare him with Gary Neville to Liverpool fans, but even more abrasive, aggressive and he had one of those stupid little moustaches that were so popular 25 years ago! 

Only 5ft 8in, he made up for his lack of height by regularly kicking lumps out of City’s more talented left-wingers, Alan Walsh & Dave Smith throughout his eight years in the north of Bristol (and Bath!).  In today’s game he would have been sent off almost every time a derby match came along – in those days he managed to escape with only a couple of red cards, and numerous cautions.

Centre Back Gus Caesar

Gus makes the team on the basis of being probably the worst player to ever pull on a City shirt.  Signed from Arsenal, he has often been named as their worst-ever player, largely as a result of a dreadful mis-kick in the 1988 League Cup Final that led to an equalising goal for Luton when Arsenal were leading 2-1; they went on to lose 3-2.  He was also named number three in a 2007 survey for the worst players to ever play in the top-flight…..and we signed him!  Gus made only 10 full starts before it became readily apparent to all that he simply wasn’t cut out to make it, and following a few short spells elsewhere, quickly disappeared from view.

Left Back Paul Robinson

Another relatively short full-back (maybe there’s a size issue here?), his thuggish and unnecessarily violent behaviour has caused serious injuries throughout his career, most notably Birmingham’s Damian Johnson who had his jaw fractured in two places following a close encounter with Robinson’s elbow, and, a little further back in history, Stewart Talbot, who successfully sued Robinson and Watford following ten months on the sidelines after a typically horrific Robinson tackle.

Central Midfield Shaun Derry

The fact that he’s the first person on Neil Warnock’s team-sheet wherever he manages says almost all you need to know about Derry.  A real old-school enforcer, Derry marshalls the area in front of the back four with the subtlety of an entire rugby club out in town on a Saturday night, all dressed as Smurfs! 

He gained particular dislike amongst City fans following numerous fiery clashes with Crystal Palace during the 2008/09 and 09/10 season.

Central Midfield Dave Penney 

Long been one of my most disliked players for a challenge on cult hero Junior Bent back in the early 90’s whilst playing for Oxford.  Penney’s swinging elbow – you could actually see him looking at where to aim – broke Junior’s cheekbone in three places and kept him out of the game for some time, some argue he was never quite the same player again.  Added to his notoriety in South Bristol by becoming manager of Rovers in January, but proceeded to nearly squeeze his way out of this XI by being so hopelessly inept that he took Rovers from mid-table to the bottom of the league and inevitable relegation.  

Central Midfield Ian Holloway 

OK, OK, I do feel the need to qualify this one by saying it’s his playing career and early managerial career focussed on here.  Even the most hard-nosed City fan would find it hard to not smile at his more recent, comedic moments in the spotlight, and he was on the receiving end of a Panto villain’s style booing during his last couple of visits to Ashton Gate, rather than the vitriol that has been a part of previous visits. 

But the fact remains he has blue & white blood running through his veins, and was the epitome of all we hated about Rovers some twenty years ago.  Tough, abrasive, irritating, irksome, Holloway was the central cog and leader of that team and liked nothing more than to put one over on “the City”.

Forward Marco Gabbiadini 

One of those players who always, always seemed to play well and score against us.  It may not even be true, history perhaps shading memories a certain colour, but I always remember when casting my eye over a team-sheet in the programme and seeing his name, thinking we’d be in for a tough afternoon.  Another fiery player, he is also the first player I really remember who berated referees for every decision, went down ‘easily’ and was more than happy to waste time when it was to his benefit.

Forward David Kelly

If memories of Gabbiadini ‘always scoring’ are a touch vague, that is certainly not the case for ex- Walsall, Newcastle and Wolves (amongst others) striker Kelly.  He did score every time we played against him, particularly during his early years at Walsall, when the most notable single moment of his career came.  Kelly scored a hat-trick in a 4-0 win at the now-defunct Fellows Park, in a replay of an early version of the current play-off final.  City’s record in play-offs remains wretched, with not a single success despite numerous attempts.  I still blame David Kelly!

Forward Marlon King 

My original list included Dean Windass for the single reason that his Wembley volley stopped City’s elevation to the Premier League, but in the time it took to write this out, King made certain of being the final name on the list.  For the few of you not au fait with the situation, King served nearly a year at Her Majesty’s pleasure after being convicted of sexual assault and actual bodily harm.  Now, I’m very much in the camp that people deserve a second chance once they’ve done their time, and although King now has fourteen separate offences to his name, I was slightly relieved when the Sky Blues offered him a contract last season.  

He scored twelve goals in the second half of the season to win over most of the critical fans, and then verbally agreed a three-year contract, apparently setting Coventry up with a platform and a goal-scorer they could build a team around.  Then, this gentleman of a man, such a fine upstanding citizen, proved his character and demeanour by walking away at the flutter of more money and decided to repay Coventry’s significant faith in him by moving the short distance up the M6 to local rivals Birmingham.

Manager Tony Pulis 

Steve Coppell was an obvious candidate having left us in the mire and walking out just three games into the season, but this particular spot has to go to Tony Pulis.  Firstly, he’s a Gashead, having played for Rovers for eight seasons at the start of his career. 

Then, having achieved significant success with Gillingham – he was the manager when the Gills so nearly turned over Man City at Wembley – he arrived at Ashton Gate as the man to take us back to the second tier.  He spent £400k on a striker called Steve Jones (who nearly made this list he was so bad), and signed ex-Rovers player Peter Beadle, playing a style of football that the nation’s fans have now become all too accustomed to.  Only six months in and following rumours of a switch to Portsmouth, the home fans made him all too aware of where his future should lie.  The team he left was probably the worst at Ashton Gate in the last 25 years.  To make it all even worse, City was probably the only club he has taken backwards thus far in his career.

Chairman Simon Jordan

I know not many ‘elevens’ would include a chairman, but Simon Jordan simply has to have a mention for his despicable behaviour following the non-allowing of a goal when Freddy Sears hit a shot that bounced back out from the stanchion, something only the referee and assistants seemed to fail to spot. 

Jordan demanded we offer them a replay, saying “if it was me I would have taken the moral high ground”, before going on to call the club “cheats”, “gutless”.  Moral high ground…Simon Jordan….really?!

Unfortunately, the formation software couldn't supply the quartered shirts of Paul's cross-city rivals. Just in case you thought he wanted them in a Blackburn-esque kit........



No. 1 - A United View

No. 2 - The Two Unfortunates (Lanterne Rouge)

No. 3 - 9-Men
No. 4 - William Abbs

No. 5 - Goaltastic
No. 6 - Football Charlie
No. 7 - Phil Lupton
No. 8 - Lee Doane
No. 10 - Gib Football Show

Up next:

No. 9 (I missed 9!) Leazes Terrace

My Dislikable XI - Number 4 (William Abbs)

The fourth Dislikable XI arrives courtesy of the football writer, blogger and Manchester United supporter William Abbs. Having seen his contributions to The Two Unfortunates, Two Hundred Percent and In Bed with Maradona, it is a pleasure to welcome him to A United View. To read more of William's musings head over to his blog Saha From The Madding Crowd .

Goalkeeper: Andy Goram

Scottish football belonged to Rangers in the mid-90s. Such was their success that even Celtic went six years without a trophy, which, given the current Old Firm duopoly, sounds simply astonishing now. Goram was Rangers’ goalkeeper from 1991 to 1998, during which time the club equalled their neighbours’ record of nine league titles in a row.

My dislike of the player, though, I should make perfectly clear, has no political motive. It’s just that he made goalkeeping look like such hard work. Capable of breaking into a sweat merely by taking a goal kick, well-proportioned Goram also put in two nervous displays for my side – *cough* Manchester United – in 2001 during the nomadic end to his career.

Right back: Abel Xavier

Xavier, or Old Father Time as I liked to call him because of his white hair and fierce demeanour, arrived in the Premier League in 1999 when he joined Everton from PSV. He later moved to Liverpool, and then had two years with Middlesbrough after spells in Turkey, Germany, and Italy. To British viewers he’s probably still best known for his wild protests at conceding a penalty for handball in Portugal’s Euro 2000 semi-final against France. For his angry confrontation with referee Günter Benkö, Xavier was eventually banned from international football for six months.

Centre back: Tony Adams

As a Manchester United fan with painful memories of the 1998 title run-in, when Arsenal put on the after-burners and romped to their first Premier League crown under Arsène Wenger, one of my abiding memories from that period is Adams’ goal against Everton. He scored the last in a 4-0 win that saw Arsenal wrap up the league. I’d never had much time for Adams as an England player either, reserving my admiration for United’s pairing of Steve Bruce and Gary Pallister, but that famous strike (and the Martin Tyler commentary that accompanied it) made matters personal.

Centre back: Alpay Özalan

For a couple of years during the qualifying games for Euro 2004, England and Turkey experienced a brief but heated international rivalry. After finishing third at the World Cup in Japan & South Korea, Turkey were England’s main opponents in Group 7 and the countries played out two bad-tempered matches in Sunderland and Istanbul. Alpay was Turkey’s (and arguably one of the world’s) best defenders at the time. A very public disagreement with Aston Villa manager Graham Taylor, however, had seen him disappear from first team action during the 2002/03 season.

His goading of David Beckham, after the England captain missed a penalty during the particularly nasty goalless draw in Turkey in October 2003, damaged Alpay’s reputation in England further. Villa terminated his contract a few months later and he moved to Incheon United in South Korea. (Sadly, Martin Keown didn’t receive the same punishment for his reaction to Ruud van Nistelrooy’s miss earlier the same season.)

Left back: Paul Robinson

Perhaps it’s unfair to criticise a player for enjoying a more successful career than he might have expected, but Robinson’s consistent status as a Premier League player has long baffled me. Having figured for Watford, West Brom, and now Bolton, Robinson has amassed 190 Premier League appearances spread across six seasons since 1999. He’s also been booked on 42 occasions during that time. If you’re a left back by trade, picking up a yellow card every now and then is an occupational hazard. Robinson’s tally, however, suggests that top level football, like the wide men who hurdle his tackles, is leaving players like him behind.

Defensive midfielder: Terry Hurlock

Some players give you nightmares by virtue of a poor performance; some just give you nightmares. Terry Hurlock’s head shot in the 1994 Panini album was so harrowing that turning to Southampton’s page in order to affix another sticker was always done with much trepidation, lest one look turn you to stone. A Millwall club legend who gained three England B caps, Hurlock’s long curly hair and – how shall I put it? – difficult facial features earned him the nickname Warlock from Lions fans. True beauty comes from within, of course, and it might seem pretty rotten of me to include a player based on criteria out of his control, but the player who Neil Ruddock – never likely to have troubled the catwalks of Paris or Milan himself either – called his favourite animal takes his place in this side nonetheless.

Central midfielder: Paul Gascoigne

I have a problem with Gazza. Although Italia 90 is the first World Cup I can remember watching on television, I recall bits of the quarter-final against Cameroon but nothing of the epochal match against Germany that followed. Indeed, the passage of play that introduced me to Gascoigne was not the lunging challenge on Thomas Berthold but that on Gary Charles in the FA Cup final the following year. Gazza was, to my rather unsympathetic 7-year-old self, the silly man who injured himself tackling an opponent.

After he moved to Italy, the infrequency with which I saw him play meant I never got past the ridiculous haircuts he sported each time he was called up to the England squad. During his renaissance at Rangers, I always felt that the quality of Scottish football undermined his success. Truthfully, I never admired Gazza as a player, even after that goal at Euro 96, because to me he always embodied colossal wasted talent. Psychological explanations for his erratic behaviour – harmful both to himself and others – continue to emerge, but the sadness of Gazza’s tale still fails to make me warm to him.

Central midfielder: Costinha

The moment still haunts me now. A late Porto free-kick flies towards the top-right corner of Tim Howard’s goal. United’s keeper, now one of the finest in the Premier League but then just 25 and having a shaky first season in England, can only palm the ball down to the edge of the six-yard box. Wes Brown isn’t going to reach it; Costinha will. He scores, Porto go through, and José Mourinho embarks on the most famous sprint ever undertaken by a man wearing a fashionable raincoat. Mourinho would no doubt have had a successful career had he not benefited from a poor piece of handling by Tim Howard, but that split second set in motion an incredible sequence of events. Porto won the Champions League, Mourinho moved to Chelsea, and he (or, at least, his personality) has dominated European (not to mention English) football ever since.

Attacking midfielder: Joe Cole

Is there any figure more tiresome in playground football than the hogger? You know the one: the player who’s near impossible to dispossess, and delights in proving it as he proceeds to dribble aimlessly towards the dinner hall – trailing one or two persistent opponents in his wake like some footballing Pied Piper. Eventually he trips over a stray schoolbag and loses the ball, and the game can continue.

Joe Cole has always struck me as such a player, and it hasn’t surprised me in the slightest that his career has panned out the way it has. Hailed as the future of English football as a 16-year-old at West Ham, the buzz around Cole had already waned somewhat by the time he joined Chelsea in 2003. In fairness, Cole had been playing the most productive football of his career before being felled by a cruciate ligament injury in January 2009, but, although he eventually overcame that setback, a move to Liverpool last summer has only seen his fortunes suffer further.

Striker: Oliver Neuville

English fans hold German football (its international and club games) in such high regard that the 4-1 humiliation meted out at the World Cup drew as much praise for Löw’s team as it did criticism of England from most level-headed fans, such were our modest expectations before the game anyway. Germany’s national side has been lauded for its positive approach and youthful joie de vivre – or should that be lebensfreude? – ever since a disastrous Euro 2004 brought about a sea change in the country’s style of play, first under Jürgen Klinsmann and now Joachim Löw.

Sandwiched in between Germany’s group stage exits in Portugal and at Euro 2000, however, was an improbable run to the final of the 2002 World Cup. Neuville’s 88th-minute strike against Paraguay in the round of 16 was his only goal of the tournament but it set Germany on their way to an eventual meeting with Brazil. For me, the man with the shortest neck in football sums up the mediocrity that characterised that whole tournament.

Striker: Carlos Tévez

Manchester United rarely let a player go when it’s not of their choosing. David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo could be put forward as two exceptions, but in both cases the player’s time at the club was reaching its natural conclusion anyway. Just as importantly, Beckham was welcomed as a returning hero when United played Milan a year ago and I would imagine that Ronaldo would receive the same treatment too if Real Madrid visited Old Trafford with him in the side. Tévez, though, holds the record for the player who has gone from being adored to reviled by the red half of Manchester in the shortest amount of time. Over the years, United have plucked enough of their rivals’ players away to make it difficult for me to complain too much over the Argentine’s turncoat behaviour, but it rankles with me enormously nonetheless.

Manager: Otto Rehhagel

It’s a truth universally accepted (or it certainly should be) that European Championships make for better tournaments than World Cups. Euro 2000 boasted the finest array of talent ever assembled for a summer competition in my lifetime, the squads of France and Portugal being particularly impressive. It remains my favourite ever tournament, and some notable people (including Jonathan Wilson) are big fans of it too. It was the most attack-minded spectacle since Mexico 86. At Euro 2004, however, organisation prevailed over inspiration. Rehhagel’s Greece ground the holders (France), the tournament’s entertainers (the Czech Republic), and the hosts (Portugal) into submission to emerge as the unlikeliest of winners.

Previous Dislikable XIs:

No. 1 - A United View

No. 2 - The Two Unfortunates (Lanterne Rouge)

No. 3 - 9-Men

Up next:

No. 5 - Goaltastic (Isaac Ashe)

My Dislikable XI - Number 2 (Lanterne Rouge - The Two Unfortunates)

After my opening post in the series last week, which you can read here, it is my pleasure to welcome Rob Langham (Lanterne Rouge) from the football league website The Two Unfortunates to offer up his Dislikable XI.

As the purveyor of an avowedly non-partisan website, I’m not really allowed to truly dislike players so I found the brief provided to me by A United View on Football a difficult one to fulfil. Nor would I resort to the easy option of including Joey Barton or Lee Bowyer in my list – they’ll be amply covered by others no doubt - and including Chris Morgan might upset my genial host. So, although some of the XI below make it on to my list for traditional reasons, there is a strong political bent to my selections, for which I make no apology.

Goalkeeper: Jens Lehmann

Having said all that, the curly topped custodian does make it in for sheer odiousness. A 2007 visit to the Emirates allowed me to witness the full force of the man’s personal acidity, stationed as I was behind his goal. Selfish, arrogant and unapologetic that being in the team was more important to him than the club winning trophies – no wonder Manuel Almunia is a bit rubbish after years of this guy glowering at him?

Right Back: Phil Neal

I disliked Neal as a player for his possession of average talents despite his presence in one of European football’s greatest ever sides and the mediocrity of his England displays during a barren spell for the national team in the late seventies. But the respect I had for him due to his emergence from the un-footballing environs of Irchester, Northamptonshire, was extinguished after The Observer Sport Monthly exposed his wish to make financial gain for talking about the Heysel Stadium tragedy.

Left Back: Paul Robinson

Like many on this list, Robinson is a man who we would all secretly like on our team and, most of the time, he emerges from his fearsome tackles with the ball. But he isn’t dubbed the poisonous squirrel by accident. For it’s not so much the combine harvester limbs that make the Bolton full back scary; more the psychopathic gaze that precedes the act of ball winning itself.

Centre Back: Emlyn Hughes

Ironically castigated by Neal in his autobiography for being mean with money, Hughes was quite annoying enough before this revelation. A Seventies icon who seemed to embody the gruesome light entertainment of that age, Crazy Horse reached his apogee on A Question of Sport¸ famously turning into mush at any contact with Princess Anne -and he even cropped up hosting his own quiz show Box Clever, as well as making an appearance in the infamous It’s A Royal Knockout.

Centre Back: John Terry

The first name on the team sheet as always.

Central Midfield: Siniša Mihaijlović

A sumptuous talent at home in midfield or in defence, capable of fulfilling the old fashioned sweeper role and possessor of a mighty lash from free kicks, a man from Vukovar was never going to emerge with average opinions but growing up near the Serbo-Croat border does not excuse his alleged branding of Patrick Vieira as a “nero di merda”, nor does his admittance that he is plagued by dreams of being attacked by snakes. Now blazing a trail through various Italian hot seats, Jonathan Wilson has argued that his portrayal as a demon is grossly simplistic – doubtful.

Central Midfield: Paul Ince

“The Guv’nor” moniker has of course been roundly parodied and never appears without the preface “self-styled” – but it’s not so much the label, more the humourlessness that accompanies its usage that invites ridicule. I waver on Ince and admire him for his trailblazing role as a Black player and manager and his excellence in Manchester United’s return to prominence, but his snarling style never provoked admiration and nor does his decision to accept the gaffer’s role at MK Dons – twice.

Winger: Paolo Di Canio

Another man unlikely to be too bothered by the rise of the extreme right in Europe, Di Canio has admitted to being a fascist, but not a racist – well, that’s all right then isn’t it? Just as some feel that the likes of Franco and Mussolini can be excused because of their non-involvement in the Final Solution, others feel that Di Canio is a loveable rogue. Nor should we ignore various managers’ assertions that he always happened to be suspended over Christmas and nor, as a Reading fan am I surprised that he’s now talking to Swindon Town about their vacant manager’s job!

Winger: Arjen Robben

Like many on this list, an outrageously gifted human being, but in a two year stint of watching weekly Premier League football in 2006 and 2008, and against stiff competition including Cristiano Ronaldo and El Hadji Diouf (as well as my club’s own Stephen Hunt and Leroy Lita), Robben was comfortably the most ready to plunge to turf when challenged. Tom Daley would be proud of him and that’s without even mentioning the furrowed brow and abuse levelled towards team mates who dare not pass to him – most clearly exhibited during the 2010 World Cup.

Striker: Alan Shearer

A rumoured dressing room bully who presided over Newcastle United’s mindset like a footballing version of Finchy from The Office, it would be informative to wonder how the Toon might have fared if all hadn’t been about HIM during his spell in black and white. During that period, Didi Hamann was proffered a copy of Mein Kampf and Alessandro Pistone provided with a sheep’s heart as Christmas presents. His tactical meltdown as a manager has been topped only by his abysmal punditry.

Forward: Duncan Ferguson

Ex-Scunthorpe United striker Ian Botham almost made it in for his continued Little Englander pronouncements, but it’s a man who was also on that Newcastle United yuletide gift list who nabs the final spot. Never more than an average player, Ferguson once boasted of never losing an aerial battle, despite ample televisual evidence to the contrary, and his decision to abandon his national team displayed a petulance and self-regard entirely at odds with his meagre contributions on the pitch. Rarely can someone who averaged a goal every 4 games been afforded the kind of hero’s welcome provided by Everton fans recently. Four convictions for assault complete the picture.

Manager: Jose Mourinho

An obvious choice maybe, but this personification of the Machiavellian mindset has attracted by opprobrium ever since his questioning of the Royal Berkshire Ambulance Service. He is a wonderful managerial talent and a worthy successor to the likes of Helenio Herrera, but some grace would not go amiss. His touchline posturing and inability to take adversity on the chin would be bad enough but his antecedents in Salazar's Portugal confirm his shady malevolence.