My Dislikable XI - Number 12 (Ashley Hurst)

In another fan selected XI , it is a pleasure to welcome a fellow Blade, Ashley Hurst, to A United View. He went his first match when he was 5 and had a season ticket for 20 years, since he was 8. Although Ash moved away from Sheffield at 17, when he joined the RAF, he still endeavoured to return every weekend possible to watch his beloved Blades and continues to do so now whilst residing in Lincoln.

He plays for and is assistant manager of @interbladesfc, which is a supporters club team founded in 2001. http://www.interbladesfc.co.uk/ You can also follow Ash on twitter at @ashsufc1889

Generally my hate disliking of footballers normally revolves around there off field actions. Players like Joey Barton, Ashley Cole, Steven Gerrard etc. are far too easy to list there antics are world renowned and not really worth giving them the attention anymore.

On this list I’m going to try to concentrate on the onfield actions of certain players. We all know them, the dirty gits, the career thieves and the just downright useless…but my heart may have ruled my head with a couple on here…

Goalkeeper Jens Lehmann

Mardy, whinging, dirty, cocky and arrogant, are just a few words to describe this so called footballer. Claiming that a fellow team mate is “out of his class” exemplifies those traits. He’s stamped on players, thrown water at officials and always had something to moan to the ref about. Throughout his career he’s made some monumental saves, but he has also made some all mighty balls ups…

Right Back Gary Neville

Quite simply put; a career thief. How this just about average footballer managed to carve such a long and illustrious career is unbelievable. He was never the best in the world, or even anywhere near the top 100. He was never talented, just average at best.

Also the whinging and attitude of the player was disgusting. Always the first to start the Man U cloak around the referee, and always the last leave it alone, mostly unscathed.

Left Back Ryan France

What a god awful excuse of a footballer ;-) One of the most awful players ever to pull on the red and white shirt of the mighty Blades. No ball control, no passing ability, can’t tackle, jump, head, or kick…Pathetic.

Centre Back Kevin Muscat

One of the beautiful games so called “hard men.” When in reality he was just a downright dirty player and a thug. Many times has his rash, late, professional fouls erupted into violence with fists being thrown, just for him to walk away laughing afterwards…He never liked it if it happened to him.

Centre Back John Terry

The “new Bobby Moore”…Funny that, I didn’t see Bobby Moore crying is eyes out after World Cup 1970. Not like this pansy was after losing in the Champions League Final in Moscow. Not only that, he’s amazingly overrated. I don’t reckon much the Rio, but he’s far better than JT.

Oh…and he’s a dirty cheating toe rag too.

Central Midfield Jody Morris

Another average player is still managing to fraudulently earn money as a footballer. The little ankle biter that started at Chelsea, then Leeds, Rotherham, Millwall and now at St. Johnstone has managed to convince people that he is a Defensive Midfielder, when in fact he’s just a fit lad that runs around a field.

Added to this abusing American Tourists after 9/11, drunken brawls, sex offences and drink driving simply make this “man” a vile rotten ……………… My moment to refrain from swearing.

Central Midfield Carton Palmer

This is nothing to do with him playing for the other team in Sheffield. This is about is inability to play football (Are you seeing a pattern here?). He was described as "abrasive, awkward and argumentative" but on the pitch he was "determined, hard-working and persistent" by Dave Jones, the then Southampton manager. The latter three comments are what I think, but add to that no football ability and you got the perfect description for Carlton Palmer. Someone that can only run around for 90 minutes is NOT a footballer.

Central Midfield Vinnie Jones

Known as one of footballs “Hard Men” and now has the same tag in Hollywood. Anyone remember the “Soccer’s Hard Men” video, a video that encouraged wannabe players to be dirty. All Jones had in his arsenal was the ability to kick opposing players rather than the ball. Footballers are supposed to be role models, yet this tw@t got himself in the limelight big style…Now this thug is a Hollywood star which just makes it all even worse.

Centre Forward Ade Akinbyi

A striker that can’t score goals………is not a striker, or in this case, not even a footballer. He will be remembered by many Blades fans for “that goal” against Wednesday, but to the rest of us he was a waste of money, space and oxygen!

Centre Forward Jason Lee

“He’s got a pineapple on his head!!”

How have people not sussed this one out yet?!?!? Nineteen different clubs and he’s still getting paid to play (and even now manage). For a striker his goal scoring record is poor at best, even in the lower leagues he doesn’t manage to hit the back of the net much…Just bloody useless!

Centre Forward John Fashanu

AWOOGA…Yeah, does that piss you off too?? Fash is quite simply on my list for the Gary Mabbutt incident. Most of his career spent as part of the infamous Wimbledon Crazy gang, an era of football that bred tw@ts like him (Jones, Wise etc..). An average player, with one hell of a dirty streak.

Manager Bryan Robson

Well, being a manager is a hard task for anyone. Each manager has his own qualities. Some can get a squad together with little or no money. Some can get a team playing the (almost) perfect game. But this choice is made simply due to his sheer arrogance.

Step up Bryan Robson.......Awesome player, don't get me wrong, but as a manager it's a totally different story. At The Blades, his build up play was...well...erm...virtually non-existent. It seemed like an age to get the ball up the pitch, and then when it got there the players didn't know what to do with it. They had no passion, fight or belief. It was almost like they didn't want to be on that pitch. Just like Mr Robson himself I suppose, stood by the dug out.

He was given some money and made a couple of very excitable signings, but also with wage bills to suit.......and he did naff all with them.

Previous XIs

No. 1 - A United View

No. 2 - The Two Unfortunates (Lanterne Rouge)

No. 3 - 9-Men
No. 4 - William Abbs

No. 5 - Goaltastic
No. 6 - Football Charlie
No. 7 - Phil Lupton
No. 8 - Lee Doane
No. 9 - Leazes Terrace
No. 10 - Gib Football Show
No. 11 - The Exiled Robin

Up next:


No. 13 Shakefon (Dave Stevens)

My Dislikable XI - Number 9 (Leazes Terrace)

The eleventh My Dislikable XI, but number 9 in the series (I am an accountant - murky practices with numbers is fine!) comes rom Chris Smith - co-editor of Newcastle United site Leazes Terrace. A fine selection it is too and one that I have put in red & white stripes. Chris was relaxed as to what kit they wore, I just thought with Cattermole in the XI and Steve Bruce managing them it was appropriate.

Goalkeeper Jens Lehmann

The infamous German 'keeper is so adept and persistent at acting like an utter prat I really don't know whether to dislike him or admire his effort. 

I mean, it must take some serious commitment to go to the extent of waging a personal hate campaign against a team mate, as he did with Manuel Almunia.  A strange strategy in the end as it could be argued if Jens concentrated as hard on belittling and winding up his opponents (opponents in his case being anyone other than Jens Lehmann) and instead concentrated on the football happening in front of him he might have actually made a genuinely top class ‘keeper, rather than one in a line of let downs.

Right Back Stephen Carr

One of the more subtle dislikes in my footballing world - Carr became instantly dislikeable upon his move to Newcastle for being generally sh#t at defending, in a defence that was already well catered for with inability.  However, his frequent insistence on screaming until his face turned blue at a very young James Milner was mainly what made me take a dislike to the man - more so as the majority of time Carr was in the wrong.  A Mediocre player with the attitude of a man playing a faultless game. Thoroughly dislikable.

Left Back Ben Thatcher

Claims the other fullback berth for this act of brutal thuggery. Practicing the traits of a still-drunk nutcase from the Tyneside Sunday leagues has no business at all in the sport of football.

Centre Back Marco Materazzi

Normally, any player that manages to kick Craig Bellamy in open play, and eventually get the Welsh motor mouth sent off because of it, would be overlooked for disliking.  But Materazzi's underhand ways stretched far away from players that deserved such treatment - his crowning 'glory' being goading the legendary Zinedine Zidane into assault during his final game (2006 World Cup final no less, as you will remember).

When not physically or verbally goading the opposition into physical attack, Marco regularly resorted to the good old fashioned crunching tackled - a 'man' with scant disregard to an opponent’s physical well-being.  A dirty, cheat.

Centre Back Neil Ruddock (C)

Handed the captains armband for my dislikable XI as being, by some distance, the biggest ball ache of the lot.  Not content with being one of the finest examples of the traditional 'kick the man first, and the ball second' defenders, 'Razor' has since extended his arrogance and annoyance factor to a variety of off the field antics – usually manifested by a string of egotistical ‘hard-man’ statements of non-intent. 

His crowning achievement since leaving football being a fleeting string of appearances on Soccer AM (says it all), visiting various clubs to take up run of the mill jobs, claiming he could ‘do anything’ – simultaneously belittling the people unlucky enough to have his company forced upon him for a day.  Forgettable as a footballer, and even duller as ‘celebrity’.

Right Midfield Morten Gamst Pedersen

Briefly labelled ‘the Nordic David Beckham’ - after a few storming seasons of goal of the month contenders it seemed as though Blackburn had found themselves a real gem.  Sure, even in those days he was showing a keenness to hit the floor at minimal contact but it was easy to forget that when he was smashing the resulting free-kick into the back of the net from 25 yards. 

However, having arguably reached his peak in 2006, the ego of (now just) ‘Gamst’ started to flare beyond his capabilities and form stumbled as a result, eventually ending up as he is now contributing the odd goal every now and then in between diving more often than a submarine – this being his finest effort. He now spends his spare time on posting cookery videos on his expensively assembled blog:  http://gamst.co.uk/.

Left Midfield Damien Duff

One of many players tainted by the name-your-wage era of Freddy Shepherd's Newcastle United, Duff's disliking comes largely through little fault of his own.  Signing Duff at a knock-down £5m after he had just completed a silverware laden spell with Chelsea seemed like excellent business, but was done so at a time when Newcastle were woefully short of strikers (Alan Shearer having just retired and Michael Owen on permanent England duty) but furnished with an exciting young winger by the name of Charles N’Zogbia, who had already shown his ability at the top level.  Duff proceeded to butt young N’Zogbia out of all contention for left midfield, scandalously pushing him into a wasted left back berth despite Duff’s constant stream of mediocre and disinterested performances.  Contributing a goal every 14 games for his reputed 70k a week (a goal ratio bettered by N’Zgobia at Newcastle despite playing a large proportion of games at left back), Duff regularly looked as threatening as a Village Fayre – and left a legacy of financial waste and a huge contribution to the loss of Charles N’Zogbia (finished off by Joe Kinnear).  Damaging and disliked.

Central Midfield Jack Wilshire

England's finest young football, a teenager well on the way to becoming a multi-millionaire with the world at his feet...and doesn't he half look angry about it all.  Although not wanting to single out Wilshire for demonstrating the same disparaging attitude which many other young footballers do, he does manage to do it to an extraordinary level. What are you getting all upset about lad?  You've bloody got it all, you've won - just calm the hell down...

Central Midfield Lee Cattermole

I've always been astonished at how Cattermole managed to make it into the professional game - I could perhaps take it as solid evidence that even in the 21st century there are no safe guards in place to prevent genuine nutters entering the game. For the interests of having genuine reasons for disliking players, I was trying avoid the current Sunderland squad – but Cattermole is impossible to overlook.

He is someone who I have had a personal dislike for ever since, when at Wigan, he needlessly clattered into then Newcastle player, Habib Beye, leaving our full-back injured for months.  Like Ruddock earlier, Cattermole religiously practices the 'kick the man first, and the ball second' strategy, and managed to excel himself through this adoption by being sent off in two of his first three appearances last season (after being made captain no less).  A coward and a thug – thoroughly disliked.

Centre Forward Michael Owen

A candidate for one of the worst human beings to exist on the right side of the law.  A great shame as well, as a young Owen demonstrated all the attributes to be a fondly remembered footballer - a positive and sporting attitude on the pitch and professionalism off it.  But since his ill fated move to Newcastle, the striker's greed and self interest have spiralled wildly out of control, to the point he now finds himself a token gesture at Manchester United (whilst still genuinely believing he is so much more than that) and taking great pride in gloating to the common man about his love for his insignificant role.  A pathetic excuse of a man who makes a mockery of every person who would have given their lives to play football, and also to those who have been unfortunate enough to have had to retire from the game through the injury.

Centre Forward Dennis Bergkamp

Sublime, classy, silky skilled, genius of the pitch...but it was his occasional (and I'll stress rare) tendency for unsporting behaviour that left a bitter memory of the Dutch genius.  Again, it’s personal (is that not the point of this?) – stemming back to two separate incidents in the early 2000’s. 

Firstly was a less well documented stamp on Nicos Dabizas at Highbury, during an FA Cup replay – at the start of a fast break which saw Arsenal score their third of the day (in fairness, it would have made no difference to the final result). 

The second was far more memorable incident where Bergkamp decided take an innocuous free-kick, early – toe poking the ball off Newcastle winger Laurent Robert with the clear intention of having him booked, and subsequently sent off.  Debate what you like about the latter incident, but it was something a player with his boundless ability did not need to do and wholly unsporting – as good as waving an imaginary card in the referees face.  I never quite had the same respect for him after that.

Manager Steve Bruce

Now, Bruce would seem an obvious choice given our allegiances and his current employment - but the current Sunderland manager has been thoroughly dislikeable ever since he made the step up to management through a combination of arrogance and disloyalty. His first four managerial appointments saw hm oversee a miserly combined total of 147 games. 

His illogical defence of Lee Cattermole after a particular atrocious challenge on Habib Beye (as mentioned earlier) also showed a true lack of ‘spine’ and even further moved him away from any chance of attaining respect.  His assumption also that he would have the ability to walk into the Newcastle job (despite the post being often vacant) but never bothering to apply, essentially looking to be begged to join got a number of people’s back’s up on Tyneside, perhaps eventually taking the post at Sunderland with a little spite in mind (certainly no issue of loyalty, or origin).  Having said that, his current post has managed to move him from figure of dislike, to one of entertaining ridicule – this last season managing to find himself in the position of being disliked by all Newcastle fans and a sizeable proportion of Sunderland fans also.  Now that takes some doing...

My Dislikable XI - Number 11 (The Exiled Robin)

For the second time in just over a month I welcome Paul Binning of the Bristol City site The Exiled Robin to the pages of A United View. Paul very kindly contributed to this article following Danny Wilson's arrival at Bramall Lane. Today, he offers an XI with an unsurprising sprinkling of Rovers and offers up a chairman suitable for any Dislikable XI. You can also follow Paul on twitter @cider1977




For any Bristol City fan of a certain age, any of the Bristol Rovers team from late ‘80s/early ‘90s could have made this XI – a team that not only seemed to beat us every time we met, but played an aggressive, nasty, direct style of football straight out of the Charlie Hughes School of Tactics, and then pipped us to the Division 3 title in the penultimate match of the 89/90 season with a 3-0 win.  I’ve managed to restrict myself to the two ‘Gasheads’ who epitomised that team most.

Goalkeeper Jens Lehmann 

Aside from the fact he was a German ‘keeper who saved the odd penalty – a characteristic certain to rile any English football fan, Lehmann was one of these players who never seems happy unless he’s whinging or moaning about something.  Beckoning the referee to caution opposition players, running 40 yards to get involved in a brawl, aiming vitriol at ball-boys for holding onto the ball too long are all reasons enough to include him in this XI, but for me it was his incessant time-wasting and lack of general sportsmanship that sealed his spot.

Right Back Nicky Hunt

Signed by Steve Coppell at the start of the 2010-11 season, Hunt was touted by many (including this writer) as potentially a more important signing than the glamourous, marquee-signing of England goalkeeper David James.  Here was a solid defender with decent Premier League experience who could establish himself at right-back and lead the rest of the defence.  How wrong we were! 

From day one he looked slow, lacking in anticipation and generally dis-interested.  Two particular moments in an early-season evening game at Ashton Gate stand out, where the bottling out of a header and a 50/50 challenge near the touchline in front of the normally placid Williams Stand was the final straw.  So bad, and so unpopular that questions were asked of manager and chairman at the AGM as to how quickly we could get rid of him – and they answered them!

Centre Back Ian Alexander 

The first of the Gas (Rovers) team from the 1980’s, the best way I can describe Ian Alexander is to compare him with Gary Neville to Liverpool fans, but even more abrasive, aggressive and he had one of those stupid little moustaches that were so popular 25 years ago! 

Only 5ft 8in, he made up for his lack of height by regularly kicking lumps out of City’s more talented left-wingers, Alan Walsh & Dave Smith throughout his eight years in the north of Bristol (and Bath!).  In today’s game he would have been sent off almost every time a derby match came along – in those days he managed to escape with only a couple of red cards, and numerous cautions.

Centre Back Gus Caesar

Gus makes the team on the basis of being probably the worst player to ever pull on a City shirt.  Signed from Arsenal, he has often been named as their worst-ever player, largely as a result of a dreadful mis-kick in the 1988 League Cup Final that led to an equalising goal for Luton when Arsenal were leading 2-1; they went on to lose 3-2.  He was also named number three in a 2007 survey for the worst players to ever play in the top-flight…..and we signed him!  Gus made only 10 full starts before it became readily apparent to all that he simply wasn’t cut out to make it, and following a few short spells elsewhere, quickly disappeared from view.

Left Back Paul Robinson

Another relatively short full-back (maybe there’s a size issue here?), his thuggish and unnecessarily violent behaviour has caused serious injuries throughout his career, most notably Birmingham’s Damian Johnson who had his jaw fractured in two places following a close encounter with Robinson’s elbow, and, a little further back in history, Stewart Talbot, who successfully sued Robinson and Watford following ten months on the sidelines after a typically horrific Robinson tackle.

Central Midfield Shaun Derry

The fact that he’s the first person on Neil Warnock’s team-sheet wherever he manages says almost all you need to know about Derry.  A real old-school enforcer, Derry marshalls the area in front of the back four with the subtlety of an entire rugby club out in town on a Saturday night, all dressed as Smurfs! 

He gained particular dislike amongst City fans following numerous fiery clashes with Crystal Palace during the 2008/09 and 09/10 season.

Central Midfield Dave Penney 

Long been one of my most disliked players for a challenge on cult hero Junior Bent back in the early 90’s whilst playing for Oxford.  Penney’s swinging elbow – you could actually see him looking at where to aim – broke Junior’s cheekbone in three places and kept him out of the game for some time, some argue he was never quite the same player again.  Added to his notoriety in South Bristol by becoming manager of Rovers in January, but proceeded to nearly squeeze his way out of this XI by being so hopelessly inept that he took Rovers from mid-table to the bottom of the league and inevitable relegation.  

Central Midfield Ian Holloway 

OK, OK, I do feel the need to qualify this one by saying it’s his playing career and early managerial career focussed on here.  Even the most hard-nosed City fan would find it hard to not smile at his more recent, comedic moments in the spotlight, and he was on the receiving end of a Panto villain’s style booing during his last couple of visits to Ashton Gate, rather than the vitriol that has been a part of previous visits. 

But the fact remains he has blue & white blood running through his veins, and was the epitome of all we hated about Rovers some twenty years ago.  Tough, abrasive, irritating, irksome, Holloway was the central cog and leader of that team and liked nothing more than to put one over on “the City”.

Forward Marco Gabbiadini 

One of those players who always, always seemed to play well and score against us.  It may not even be true, history perhaps shading memories a certain colour, but I always remember when casting my eye over a team-sheet in the programme and seeing his name, thinking we’d be in for a tough afternoon.  Another fiery player, he is also the first player I really remember who berated referees for every decision, went down ‘easily’ and was more than happy to waste time when it was to his benefit.

Forward David Kelly

If memories of Gabbiadini ‘always scoring’ are a touch vague, that is certainly not the case for ex- Walsall, Newcastle and Wolves (amongst others) striker Kelly.  He did score every time we played against him, particularly during his early years at Walsall, when the most notable single moment of his career came.  Kelly scored a hat-trick in a 4-0 win at the now-defunct Fellows Park, in a replay of an early version of the current play-off final.  City’s record in play-offs remains wretched, with not a single success despite numerous attempts.  I still blame David Kelly!

Forward Marlon King 

My original list included Dean Windass for the single reason that his Wembley volley stopped City’s elevation to the Premier League, but in the time it took to write this out, King made certain of being the final name on the list.  For the few of you not au fait with the situation, King served nearly a year at Her Majesty’s pleasure after being convicted of sexual assault and actual bodily harm.  Now, I’m very much in the camp that people deserve a second chance once they’ve done their time, and although King now has fourteen separate offences to his name, I was slightly relieved when the Sky Blues offered him a contract last season.  

He scored twelve goals in the second half of the season to win over most of the critical fans, and then verbally agreed a three-year contract, apparently setting Coventry up with a platform and a goal-scorer they could build a team around.  Then, this gentleman of a man, such a fine upstanding citizen, proved his character and demeanour by walking away at the flutter of more money and decided to repay Coventry’s significant faith in him by moving the short distance up the M6 to local rivals Birmingham.

Manager Tony Pulis 

Steve Coppell was an obvious candidate having left us in the mire and walking out just three games into the season, but this particular spot has to go to Tony Pulis.  Firstly, he’s a Gashead, having played for Rovers for eight seasons at the start of his career. 

Then, having achieved significant success with Gillingham – he was the manager when the Gills so nearly turned over Man City at Wembley – he arrived at Ashton Gate as the man to take us back to the second tier.  He spent £400k on a striker called Steve Jones (who nearly made this list he was so bad), and signed ex-Rovers player Peter Beadle, playing a style of football that the nation’s fans have now become all too accustomed to.  Only six months in and following rumours of a switch to Portsmouth, the home fans made him all too aware of where his future should lie.  The team he left was probably the worst at Ashton Gate in the last 25 years.  To make it all even worse, City was probably the only club he has taken backwards thus far in his career.

Chairman Simon Jordan

I know not many ‘elevens’ would include a chairman, but Simon Jordan simply has to have a mention for his despicable behaviour following the non-allowing of a goal when Freddy Sears hit a shot that bounced back out from the stanchion, something only the referee and assistants seemed to fail to spot. 

Jordan demanded we offer them a replay, saying “if it was me I would have taken the moral high ground”, before going on to call the club “cheats”, “gutless”.  Moral high ground…Simon Jordan….really?!

Unfortunately, the formation software couldn't supply the quartered shirts of Paul's cross-city rivals. Just in case you thought he wanted them in a Blackburn-esque kit........



No. 1 - A United View

No. 2 - The Two Unfortunates (Lanterne Rouge)

No. 3 - 9-Men
No. 4 - William Abbs

No. 5 - Goaltastic
No. 6 - Football Charlie
No. 7 - Phil Lupton
No. 8 - Lee Doane
No. 10 - Gib Football Show

Up next:

No. 9 (I missed 9!) Leazes Terrace

My Dislikable XI - Number 2 (Lanterne Rouge - The Two Unfortunates)

After my opening post in the series last week, which you can read here, it is my pleasure to welcome Rob Langham (Lanterne Rouge) from the football league website The Two Unfortunates to offer up his Dislikable XI.

As the purveyor of an avowedly non-partisan website, I’m not really allowed to truly dislike players so I found the brief provided to me by A United View on Football a difficult one to fulfil. Nor would I resort to the easy option of including Joey Barton or Lee Bowyer in my list – they’ll be amply covered by others no doubt - and including Chris Morgan might upset my genial host. So, although some of the XI below make it on to my list for traditional reasons, there is a strong political bent to my selections, for which I make no apology.

Goalkeeper: Jens Lehmann

Having said all that, the curly topped custodian does make it in for sheer odiousness. A 2007 visit to the Emirates allowed me to witness the full force of the man’s personal acidity, stationed as I was behind his goal. Selfish, arrogant and unapologetic that being in the team was more important to him than the club winning trophies – no wonder Manuel Almunia is a bit rubbish after years of this guy glowering at him?

Right Back: Phil Neal

I disliked Neal as a player for his possession of average talents despite his presence in one of European football’s greatest ever sides and the mediocrity of his England displays during a barren spell for the national team in the late seventies. But the respect I had for him due to his emergence from the un-footballing environs of Irchester, Northamptonshire, was extinguished after The Observer Sport Monthly exposed his wish to make financial gain for talking about the Heysel Stadium tragedy.

Left Back: Paul Robinson

Like many on this list, Robinson is a man who we would all secretly like on our team and, most of the time, he emerges from his fearsome tackles with the ball. But he isn’t dubbed the poisonous squirrel by accident. For it’s not so much the combine harvester limbs that make the Bolton full back scary; more the psychopathic gaze that precedes the act of ball winning itself.

Centre Back: Emlyn Hughes

Ironically castigated by Neal in his autobiography for being mean with money, Hughes was quite annoying enough before this revelation. A Seventies icon who seemed to embody the gruesome light entertainment of that age, Crazy Horse reached his apogee on A Question of Sport¸ famously turning into mush at any contact with Princess Anne -and he even cropped up hosting his own quiz show Box Clever, as well as making an appearance in the infamous It’s A Royal Knockout.

Centre Back: John Terry

The first name on the team sheet as always.

Central Midfield: Siniša Mihaijlović

A sumptuous talent at home in midfield or in defence, capable of fulfilling the old fashioned sweeper role and possessor of a mighty lash from free kicks, a man from Vukovar was never going to emerge with average opinions but growing up near the Serbo-Croat border does not excuse his alleged branding of Patrick Vieira as a “nero di merda”, nor does his admittance that he is plagued by dreams of being attacked by snakes. Now blazing a trail through various Italian hot seats, Jonathan Wilson has argued that his portrayal as a demon is grossly simplistic – doubtful.

Central Midfield: Paul Ince

“The Guv’nor” moniker has of course been roundly parodied and never appears without the preface “self-styled” – but it’s not so much the label, more the humourlessness that accompanies its usage that invites ridicule. I waver on Ince and admire him for his trailblazing role as a Black player and manager and his excellence in Manchester United’s return to prominence, but his snarling style never provoked admiration and nor does his decision to accept the gaffer’s role at MK Dons – twice.

Winger: Paolo Di Canio

Another man unlikely to be too bothered by the rise of the extreme right in Europe, Di Canio has admitted to being a fascist, but not a racist – well, that’s all right then isn’t it? Just as some feel that the likes of Franco and Mussolini can be excused because of their non-involvement in the Final Solution, others feel that Di Canio is a loveable rogue. Nor should we ignore various managers’ assertions that he always happened to be suspended over Christmas and nor, as a Reading fan am I surprised that he’s now talking to Swindon Town about their vacant manager’s job!

Winger: Arjen Robben

Like many on this list, an outrageously gifted human being, but in a two year stint of watching weekly Premier League football in 2006 and 2008, and against stiff competition including Cristiano Ronaldo and El Hadji Diouf (as well as my club’s own Stephen Hunt and Leroy Lita), Robben was comfortably the most ready to plunge to turf when challenged. Tom Daley would be proud of him and that’s without even mentioning the furrowed brow and abuse levelled towards team mates who dare not pass to him – most clearly exhibited during the 2010 World Cup.

Striker: Alan Shearer

A rumoured dressing room bully who presided over Newcastle United’s mindset like a footballing version of Finchy from The Office, it would be informative to wonder how the Toon might have fared if all hadn’t been about HIM during his spell in black and white. During that period, Didi Hamann was proffered a copy of Mein Kampf and Alessandro Pistone provided with a sheep’s heart as Christmas presents. His tactical meltdown as a manager has been topped only by his abysmal punditry.

Forward: Duncan Ferguson

Ex-Scunthorpe United striker Ian Botham almost made it in for his continued Little Englander pronouncements, but it’s a man who was also on that Newcastle United yuletide gift list who nabs the final spot. Never more than an average player, Ferguson once boasted of never losing an aerial battle, despite ample televisual evidence to the contrary, and his decision to abandon his national team displayed a petulance and self-regard entirely at odds with his meagre contributions on the pitch. Rarely can someone who averaged a goal every 4 games been afforded the kind of hero’s welcome provided by Everton fans recently. Four convictions for assault complete the picture.

Manager: Jose Mourinho

An obvious choice maybe, but this personification of the Machiavellian mindset has attracted by opprobrium ever since his questioning of the Royal Berkshire Ambulance Service. He is a wonderful managerial talent and a worthy successor to the likes of Helenio Herrera, but some grace would not go amiss. His touchline posturing and inability to take adversity on the chin would be bad enough but his antecedents in Salazar's Portugal confirm his shady malevolence.