Game by Game - 14

Game 14 – Millwall (A), Championship – 2-3

So we welcome back Alan Pickard to A United View, his Bolton Game by Game report being one of the most read so far. 

An early train to The Smoke, crap beer all day, a good pinch of snuff and a fantastic Blades win are a heady mix. As I flicked between match feeds at home, the fancam view on Facebook was frequently blocked by the back of Alan's head and the match soundtracked by his increasingly hoarse voice telling Millwall that they aren't scary anymore.  So when his stream of consciousness (along with the thoughts of fell Blades in Coach C of the 18:34 out of St Pancras) landed in the AUV inbox on Saturday night I anticipated a bit of an editing job would be in order..... 

It's started well. Train to Donny and iPhone Dave has spotted fellow AUV corespondent Tyrone, who is sat behind us. Selfie secured (without Tyrone knowing, ahem....that's Dave - Ed) and Fosters in hand. (Again AUV cannot condone the drinking of Fosters at all, nevermind when Jaipur now comes in cans - Ed). The day is off. To. A. Flyer.

Milwall away, and thoughts are cast back to the Warnock era. "SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR FUCKING MUSCAT THAT". Seriously though, I've never seen us win here, not sure that will change today. Anyway, back on the train and Player of the Season so far is up for debate. Votes, from the committee go to....

McGoldrick x 5

Norwood x 2

Stevens x 1

Bash x 1

Hendo x 1

So there we are. That seems conclusive, the player that half the support turned to social media to bemoan when he joined is the man. (Although, his scoring record is under threat from our mate Ed). What we all agreed on is that Norwood coming in has improved us ten-fold.

So, onto the match. It started with United on the front foot, trying to force the issue, but with the all too familiar situation of when the Duff Man can't unlock the door, nobody else seems able to step up to the plate. Or at least step up and deliver with any conviction.

The pressure is rewarded with a corner. A short corner is played in and back out again, Oli Norwood, he's fucking reyt good, puts one in the box son. And its a penalty. Phil reckons it was crossed by Stevens (Phil had clearly been on stronger stuff than Fosters - Ed). Anyway, Billy missed. Well, Amos saved really, but didn't fancy his run up. Didn't look confident at all. Sake.

I've walked down the stairs to get a beer, and then hear a cheer. For fuck's sake we've scored. This happened last year too. I've missed it again. Get in Billy you beautiful beautiful man. I would have your babies....

Half time. 

Second half. The first ten minutes of the second half has been voted (by the committee) as:

Stressful.

Shit.

Atrocious.

Wank.

Abysmal. 

Anyway, somehow we're 2 - 1 down and I'm not really sure how. I really can't wait to type this next bit.

Once things settled down, we got into a rhythm. Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, come on down, it's McGoldrick time.

Intricate passing between our midfield maestros, leads to a push on the Duff man. And it's another penalty. That man McGoldrick has big balls. Steps up. 2-2. G'wan babbi. The steward, who is an Arsenal fan, appreciated my turbo snuff post celebration.

There's only going to be one winner now. A one two on the right hand side is cut across the box by the main man Mark Duffy, straight into the path of that man again. McGoldrick slots home and 1,400 Blades are delirious, maybe nearly as much as Hendo at the other end of the pitch. We've deserved that. Final whistle and chants of Oohhh David McGoldrick ring around Bermondsey. Off home we go. iPhone Dave has purchased half of M&S and were all happy. UTB!

Four final thoughts from Coach C: 

Kirsti - Deserved victory but we made hard work of it and didn't start second half well. (Can always rely on Kirsti to list two negatives out of three points on a 3-2 away win! - Ed)

Paul - McGoldrick is proving a very good purchase. (He cost £19.99 less than this - Ed)

JB - It is really refreshing for United to dig themselves out of a hole. Holes that more often than not last season we were unable to get out of. And we've now done that twice in the last week. 

AP - Were winning games we'd have lost last season. Keep the faith. 

Photo - Copyright David Kirkham

My Dislikable XI - Number 12 (Ashley Hurst)

In another fan selected XI , it is a pleasure to welcome a fellow Blade, Ashley Hurst, to A United View. He went his first match when he was 5 and had a season ticket for 20 years, since he was 8. Although Ash moved away from Sheffield at 17, when he joined the RAF, he still endeavoured to return every weekend possible to watch his beloved Blades and continues to do so now whilst residing in Lincoln.

He plays for and is assistant manager of @interbladesfc, which is a supporters club team founded in 2001. http://www.interbladesfc.co.uk/ You can also follow Ash on twitter at @ashsufc1889

Generally my hate disliking of footballers normally revolves around there off field actions. Players like Joey Barton, Ashley Cole, Steven Gerrard etc. are far too easy to list there antics are world renowned and not really worth giving them the attention anymore.

On this list I’m going to try to concentrate on the onfield actions of certain players. We all know them, the dirty gits, the career thieves and the just downright useless…but my heart may have ruled my head with a couple on here…

Goalkeeper Jens Lehmann

Mardy, whinging, dirty, cocky and arrogant, are just a few words to describe this so called footballer. Claiming that a fellow team mate is “out of his class” exemplifies those traits. He’s stamped on players, thrown water at officials and always had something to moan to the ref about. Throughout his career he’s made some monumental saves, but he has also made some all mighty balls ups…

Right Back Gary Neville

Quite simply put; a career thief. How this just about average footballer managed to carve such a long and illustrious career is unbelievable. He was never the best in the world, or even anywhere near the top 100. He was never talented, just average at best.

Also the whinging and attitude of the player was disgusting. Always the first to start the Man U cloak around the referee, and always the last leave it alone, mostly unscathed.

Left Back Ryan France

What a god awful excuse of a footballer ;-) One of the most awful players ever to pull on the red and white shirt of the mighty Blades. No ball control, no passing ability, can’t tackle, jump, head, or kick…Pathetic.

Centre Back Kevin Muscat

One of the beautiful games so called “hard men.” When in reality he was just a downright dirty player and a thug. Many times has his rash, late, professional fouls erupted into violence with fists being thrown, just for him to walk away laughing afterwards…He never liked it if it happened to him.

Centre Back John Terry

The “new Bobby Moore”…Funny that, I didn’t see Bobby Moore crying is eyes out after World Cup 1970. Not like this pansy was after losing in the Champions League Final in Moscow. Not only that, he’s amazingly overrated. I don’t reckon much the Rio, but he’s far better than JT.

Oh…and he’s a dirty cheating toe rag too.

Central Midfield Jody Morris

Another average player is still managing to fraudulently earn money as a footballer. The little ankle biter that started at Chelsea, then Leeds, Rotherham, Millwall and now at St. Johnstone has managed to convince people that he is a Defensive Midfielder, when in fact he’s just a fit lad that runs around a field.

Added to this abusing American Tourists after 9/11, drunken brawls, sex offences and drink driving simply make this “man” a vile rotten ……………… My moment to refrain from swearing.

Central Midfield Carton Palmer

This is nothing to do with him playing for the other team in Sheffield. This is about is inability to play football (Are you seeing a pattern here?). He was described as "abrasive, awkward and argumentative" but on the pitch he was "determined, hard-working and persistent" by Dave Jones, the then Southampton manager. The latter three comments are what I think, but add to that no football ability and you got the perfect description for Carlton Palmer. Someone that can only run around for 90 minutes is NOT a footballer.

Central Midfield Vinnie Jones

Known as one of footballs “Hard Men” and now has the same tag in Hollywood. Anyone remember the “Soccer’s Hard Men” video, a video that encouraged wannabe players to be dirty. All Jones had in his arsenal was the ability to kick opposing players rather than the ball. Footballers are supposed to be role models, yet this tw@t got himself in the limelight big style…Now this thug is a Hollywood star which just makes it all even worse.

Centre Forward Ade Akinbyi

A striker that can’t score goals………is not a striker, or in this case, not even a footballer. He will be remembered by many Blades fans for “that goal” against Wednesday, but to the rest of us he was a waste of money, space and oxygen!

Centre Forward Jason Lee

“He’s got a pineapple on his head!!”

How have people not sussed this one out yet?!?!? Nineteen different clubs and he’s still getting paid to play (and even now manage). For a striker his goal scoring record is poor at best, even in the lower leagues he doesn’t manage to hit the back of the net much…Just bloody useless!

Centre Forward John Fashanu

AWOOGA…Yeah, does that piss you off too?? Fash is quite simply on my list for the Gary Mabbutt incident. Most of his career spent as part of the infamous Wimbledon Crazy gang, an era of football that bred tw@ts like him (Jones, Wise etc..). An average player, with one hell of a dirty streak.

Manager Bryan Robson

Well, being a manager is a hard task for anyone. Each manager has his own qualities. Some can get a squad together with little or no money. Some can get a team playing the (almost) perfect game. But this choice is made simply due to his sheer arrogance.

Step up Bryan Robson.......Awesome player, don't get me wrong, but as a manager it's a totally different story. At The Blades, his build up play was...well...erm...virtually non-existent. It seemed like an age to get the ball up the pitch, and then when it got there the players didn't know what to do with it. They had no passion, fight or belief. It was almost like they didn't want to be on that pitch. Just like Mr Robson himself I suppose, stood by the dug out.

He was given some money and made a couple of very excitable signings, but also with wage bills to suit.......and he did naff all with them.

Previous XIs

No. 1 - A United View

No. 2 - The Two Unfortunates (Lanterne Rouge)

No. 3 - 9-Men
No. 4 - William Abbs

No. 5 - Goaltastic
No. 6 - Football Charlie
No. 7 - Phil Lupton
No. 8 - Lee Doane
No. 9 - Leazes Terrace
No. 10 - Gib Football Show
No. 11 - The Exiled Robin

Up next:


No. 13 Shakefon (Dave Stevens)

My Dislikable XI - Number 3 (9 Men)

Number 3 in our burgeoning series of Dislikable XIs comes from the Dagenham & Redbridge blog 9-Men, who you can also follow on twitter here.  With recent non-league exposure for the Daggers, we are introduced to some dislikable Conference characters as well as other more familiar names. The red shirts represent Aldershot, in case you are wondering. 

Goalkeeper: Paul Hyde

A posturing, bad-tempered jerk of a goalkeeper who played against us for Dover several times in our Conference days. Normally found strutting around his area without any hint of humour, it was surprising that he didn't take a mirror onto the pitch so he could make sex faces at himself.

He managed to infuriate our crowd further by deliberately treading on our striker's chest in one particular match at the Crabble. I say "striker", he was more of a telegraph pole with big ears.

Right Back: Dani Alves

Despite his lung-bursting forays up and down Barca's right flank, Alves ruins it all with the darker side to his game. He has perfected the "jump, roll and scream" when any opposition player dares attempt a challenge on him.

Left Back: Darren Barnard

The former Wales international will forever be remembered at Dagenham for the time he decided to blast a loose ball into the crowd, hitting one of our fans at point-blank range. Completely out of order.

Centre Back: Peter Clarke

Back in 2008 the Daggers visited Southend United in the FA Cup. Trailing going into the final minutes, our keeper Tony Roberts went up for a corner which was half-cleared. Clarke tried to hold Roberts back resulting in a square-up which saw the big defender collapse to the floor holding his face. Realising he was being mugged, Roberts also unconvincingly held his face, but it didn't help as the referee showed him the red-card.

Now playing for Huddersfield, Clarke could more recently be seen giving our striker John Akinde a couple of helpful shoves as he looked certain to score.

Centre Back: Kevin Muscat

The former Wolves defender hit the headlines in January for this so-called "worst tackle ever" whilst playing for Melbourne Victory, but this is merely the tip of the iceberg. He ended Matty Holmes' career, damaged Dugarry's knee ligaments with a brutal tackle from behind, and took a lump out of Craig Bellamy's knee which ruled the Welshman out for 4 months.

He should have been banned from the game a long, long time ago.

Central Midfield: Adam Miller

This is a guy that actually played for the Daggers, but he'd already earnt a black mark against his name from his years at Canvey Island, Grays, Stevenage and Aldershot. The main incident of note came in an Essex Senior Cup tie when he launched himself two-footed into Ashley Vickers - Vickers was sent off for his reaction and Miller escaped unpunished. His girly hair doesn't help his cause either.

Central Midfield: Jimmy Strouts

Pure unadulterated filth, and not in a good Jenna Jameson kind of way. His years patrolling Dover's midfield in the early 00s normally meant trouble for the legs of their opponents. Whilst it was rather intriguing watching his duels with our hard-as-nails Steve Heffer, you couldn't help but wince whenever Strouts moved in for the kill.

One such duel in 2001 saw Strouts scythe into Heffer before the favour was returned with interest minutes later. Strouts saw yellow, Heffer (predictably) saw red.

Central Midfield: Michael Brown

Brown is essentially a thug. He has made a career out of horrendous assaults on his opponents which mainly seem to escape the attention of referees. He got a deserved red card for this dreadful two-footer on Sean Davis, but stamps on Ashley Cole and this one on Giggs were not deemed worthy of such punishment.

Like most self-appointed hard men, he makes cowards' tackles and cries like a baby if somebody fouls him. Oh, and he's got an arrest to his name, for whipping his old-chap out in public.

Forward: Cristiano Ronaldo

Rat-faced little scrote. Very good at football, but still a rat-faced little scrote.

Forward: Aaron McLean

We've seen a lot of Aaron over the years at Dagenham, playing for Orient, Aldershot, Grays and Peterborough. It was with the Shots that he first came to prominence, his theatrics ensuring that Vickers was shown a red card in our 2004 clash. He's since proven himself to be a niggly, irritating git who loves nothing more than a sly push or tug on the shirt whilst also collapsing himself where possible.

Forward: Luis Suarez

Words cannot describe how much I dislike Suarez, but I'll try to come up with some. He spent much of the recent World Cup diving all over the place holding his ugly, sneering face and then topped it off with his goal-line "save" against Ghana. Unfortunately he is now play(act)ing in England.

Manager: Steve Evans

There is simply no other candidate to manage this bunch other than the man who cheated his way to the Conference title in 2002 with his criminal dealings. Quite simply a complete scumbag in my opinion.

Previous Dislikable XIs:

No. 1 - A United View
No. 2 - The Two Unfortunates (Lanterne Rouge)

Up next:

No.4 - Saha From the Madding Crowd (William Abbs)